Aprendiendo Quien Soy

I am still here

2007-07-14T22:46:00.000-06:00

I have been recovering. I have been studying. I have been working. I have been mothering- me above all. I have been progresing. I have been diagnosed with Disociative Identity Disorder caused because of Post Partum Disorder. I don't know how else to recover. I was doing well and then I was triggered- just as if I was a bomb. My newest diagnosis and a snooping cop. The crime is still unknown, but the bomb went off anyway. And I am left - again- alone to pick up the pieces. Somehow I will. How, I don't know. But I will, I always do.

How Things Are

2007-03-23T22:49:00.000-06:00

I have been having trouble posting, lots of reasons why. One, my computer hard drive died. It will be fixed, but it will take about 3 weeks. Right now I am using Davids laptop. School is okay. Three classes are boring. One class has a teacher with an inferiority complex who tried to get me out of her class. I think this is comical because she used to teach at a high school for the gifted, that I almost got into, missed it by one point. Anyway, I am pretty sure that classes won't get better, so I have made myself the idea that I am doing this for a piece of paper. I will someday study with others who may teach me more. For now I suppose I shall be content.
We are doing better, but for now I will call my DD by her nickname Mariposa, it hurts a little less that way.
Work is going well, I finally figured out all the uses of the calculator, I have come a long way in learning. And finish my work in two hours, I am there for four. I get bored. I get bored very easily. I want a challenge. I think the biggest challenge I have is trying to finish my bag without mistakes! Sorry Cherrie, I can't concentrate to knit and purl. Either I knit or I purl and then I have to fix my mistakes. My mind is not all here, but it isn't really wondering either. I don't know where it is, I do hope it will come back. Soon. Very soon.
Oh, by the way, I went out and bought myself 5 shirts and didn't think twice. I love them! And I actually enjoyed the whole shopping experience. It was fun! I walked through the store grabbing the shirts I liked, and then I got the ones I liked the most and I want to go back. I started wearing make up daily and I feel pretty. I am exercising during the evening.
And I am over the most embarrassing thing mi mama did, when I get my keyboard back I'll write more. I am about to break this one. Lord, when you get used to something its really hard to get over it.

Goddies!

2007-03-16T17:00:00.001-06:00

My dad came over and asked me what the box was doing outside. I asked him what box? And so he brought in my goodies from the international tote exchange. There were two books, Pursenalitis and Blus Smoke, my Purese! of course! (Thank you! I love it and the embelishments are great!) There were some pens and a red planner and a some post it notes shaped like a butterfly! and some beautiful hand soap and foot masage gel! (trust me, I will be using that tonight) and a calculator! Thank you Debbie Brown! Oh, and I almost forgot, a beautiful necklace. I'll get some pictures up soon.

We are doing better, I think Dani is having a harder time than I am. I've accepted the fact that I can't change the fact that I still have my baby and Tonia doesn't, I can just be there for her. We went to the wake last Sunday night. Dani played the piano the whole night, while they prayed and cried. The next morning everyone went to the funeral and I decied to come home instead, I was tired. I wanted to go today, but I am still tired.

I was shocked to learn that his middle name was Ivan. About three months before my DD was born I got it in my head that I wanted to name her Iva. No clue why. I'd never heard it before and plus, I was searching for a Mayan name. And her name had been decided long before she was made. Deimari. But then, I really wanted to name her Iva, and then Dani decided that he wanted to name her Miakoda. But I could not give my daughter three names, so I put two together, IvaDeimari. Iva, feminine for Ivan. Variation of John. Meaning either God is good or the greates gift from God. Gianni- Italian for John- my son's name.

Like they say, God works in misterious ways.

Work is going well. I do too much work with numbers. Last night was the orientation for school. I met a few class mates. There are two other people that are starting fashion design with me. I will be taking 13 credits in ten weeks. That fact is scaring me. I used to take 13 credits in 18 months. Now, my time is reduced to ten weeks. And I still have to go to work and take care of my cubs and the house, and work with my hubby. I don't know how I am going to pull it all off. I just know that I have to find a way. This is where the organizer I got earlier will come in handy! And those pens. I know that I have a note book here somewhere from two semesters ago ... maybe that was three semesters ago, anyway, I am ready, I am just waiting for 5 o'clock Monday evening to roll around.

Thank You For Prayers

2007-03-09T17:07:00.001-07:00

Thank you Tracey for all your prayers. And to everyone that is also praying for us. This is a difficult time and we are trying to grasp the bit of good that we can find in this situation. Thank you. I will write more when I feel up to it.

Nicholas Miranda

2007-03-07T20:25:00.001-07:00

Our Father placed Nicholas Miranda in the loving arms of Tonia and Tin on July 24, 2004. He was loved and cared for by not only two wonderful parents but five brothers and sisters. However, Our Father needed an extra special angel to complete His coir. And so, Nicholas was called back to His Father on March 6, 2007. He will be remembered and loved as long as we live. Nicholas, you made a great impact on our lives in the short time you shared this earthly world with us, and we know that we will see you in the spiritual world, soon.

Calling All Prayers

2007-03-04T17:55:00.001-07:00

To everyone and anyone that reads this, I ask of you to please pray with us for my seven month old nephew Nicholas who had a small heart attack this morning and in now in the hospital. His parents and 5 siblings are with him, praying for him. He has opened his eyes and moved his hand, the outcome humanly speaking doesn't look good, but we all know that God can perform miracles. That is why I humbly ask you to pray to God- Whatever you may call him- to please save this little boys life. He is very dear to me. Not just ' cause he's 3 days younger than my Iva, but because his parents are my favorite in laws. Thank you. God, please, return his health to him.

End of SP9

2007-03-01T19:25:00.001-07:00

Last Tuesday I got a GREAT package in the mail. YARN! BOOKS! TEA! CHOCOLATE! Who could ask for anything more?

Thank you Tracey! Sorry I haven't posted lately, Blogger won't let me. So, I decided to use this "blog this" button I downloaded for IE7.

I LOVE the yarn and the colors! And the texture! And I started reading the book as soon as I stopped petting the yarn. Haven't tasted the tea yet, but if it tastes like it smells, I know I'll love it.

Another reason why I haven't posted is that I went got that job I'd talked about before. The owner was waiting for my DD to be able to stay with a sitter, and so he fired the other girl-for other reasons- and hired me.

Actually, I saw the box when I arrived from work, it feel nice to say that. Dani and Daniel had already opened it, but as soon as they saw/felt the yarn they closed it back up.LOL Curiosity...

I also donated blood for the first time on Tuesday. It felt very rewarding to know that I was helping someone somewhere.

Wednesday I didn't go to work because I finally got private therapy and not the pshchiatrist that give the drugs, and that was very taxing emotionally. First I was nervous and anxious, and then I was... I made myself feel nothing 'cause I still had to take Daniel to the Dr.'s and pick up, drop off and pick up DH. Then I snapped, I couldn't take it anymore. I cried and cried in the car. Dani tried to help. But really, nothing helped, I finally came in fed, changed my kids, hugged and played with them and then turned in. Today has been more of the same... doing 'cause I have to and not not 'cause I want to. Work was good, lots of math and basic logic stuff. The lady that is "training" me, just has me do it all... and she talks so much its distracting. I hope I'll be left on my own soon, 'cause actually, this isn't her job either, so she doesn't really know what she's doing. She's the night restaurant manager, not the office manager.

And school starts in 18 days, I am so excited! And nervous! And every other emotion you can think of.

Hope your days are better.

Thanks Tracey!

My Doll

2007-02-21T23:05:00.001-07:00

Technically she's for Iva, but until she's done she's mine.Ever since she saw the doll she's been trying to take it and now, its done. I think I worked on her for 3 days. Maybe four. Mostly at night. I still have to decide what length her hair will be and hide my ends and make her face -but I can't find my yarn needle, I stuck it in with my pens cause I didn't wand Iva to get it and now I can't find it. I also have to put her nose on. I don't want to put a face on her because I want Iva to decide with her imagination what she looks like. But Dani insits that she needs a face. So, we'll see once I find that needle. I also think that it might help them to know that their dolls don't have eyes -like their dad. I don't know if they are even aware of the fact that Dani can't see. I do know that they are more verbal with him and more facially expressive with me. Sometimes Daniel says that papa can't do something and Dani always proves him wrong. I like that. Nothing is ever what it seems.

Awareness Colors

2007-02-20T21:50:00.001-07:00

I had decided that I was going to make my own bag or tote for school, but I still hadn't come up with a design yet. Then two days ago, I came up with the style and then today, when my creative self returned I knew the design. I want to incorporate ribbons of awareness into the design. So I went to this index of colors for all causes. There I found a few colors that I am going to use, green, lime green, teal, red, orange, yellow, navy blue and purple. I think I'll use cream or tan for the background color. But I am still undecided- curling ribbon or felted for my medium? In Mexico there is this stuff called rafia that is somewhat like curling ribbon that I might use. I used this link to make graphs of the ribbon. I did a knit one and a crochet one, see, I plan on making a lot of these. I can give them out since I don't have the courage yet to talk, I can still help.

Yesterday I chatted with my neice with MSN messenger and a web cam for the first time. It is so weird to think I have two nieces I've never met. And they are 30! LOL

I saw my sister for a little while and they saw my kids, but I didn't see my brother, he was already asleep. They seem okay. But looks can be decieving.

Well, I have crocheted dolls to finish, I'll post pics tomorrow if I finally get them done.

Alexis and Viviana Gonzalez Villavicencio

2007-02-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

This is a "wanted ad" I am looking for my brother and sister. They would be of Peruvian decent born in California-probably Berkley about 35 to 45 years ago. Thank you for any help you can provide.

ranting

2007-02-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

So, last Sunday, Carmen came over and David did his homework and his teacher liked it and I guess that started a friendship. Carmen came over last Wed and again today, we went shopping with her kids and with my kids and hubby, I swear,there were time when there were two adults and 5 kids! Dani went to the park this morning with them too. Seems that Carmen has been impressed by me and that surprises me. I never felt worth admiration. Anyway, I've been out of it, I think its cause we (Dani talked and I listened) about me and my baggage, and he told me that he's been doing his own research on the subject and thinks that I am ... it is more sever than what we thought and that knocked the air out of me. He thinks that I have more problems and he says that I am barely becoming ''fellow citizen" and I am working on becoming a productive citizen, and that really shocked me.
Plus, my DD is working on her first tooth and crawling and I know that my last baby is growing up and I don't like it, but at the same time I am really enjoying this discovering and sharing phase that my son is in and I know that I will continue to enjoy it with my daugheter, but I really love this infant phase, my baby isn't my baby and neither is Daniel. I feel like my nest is empty and my branch is much too small. I have no idea how I'll fell when my tree is empty...much less when they go to school!
On another note, I am working on my i-cord and will go for the yarn tomorrow. Boy that i-cord is boring! Its my first and my last if I can get out of them. I want to make a laptop case for David and maybe a tote bag for me, I like a few in the Fabulous Felted Bags book I have, but I'd have to come up with new designs. Oh ya, I made a doll for my Daniel and he's not that into it. Oh well, I had fun.
Happy Presiden'ts day- I remembered because a comercial just came on tv!

2007-02-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I am almost halfway done throught the first side of my bag for the International Tote Exchange 3
and I have 10 of the 24 embelishments made. I am stuck because I am waiting for my last color
to arrive so that I can continue working. While I wait I have decided that I want to make
another bag from the book of patterns I got for this bag, and if my math serves, I'll have a bit of
yarn left over- so I can buy another skein and start on the base and sides of my current bag and then I'll have
more than enough yarn left over to make a bag for me. Do you think I can convince my hubby that
this new skein is for the current bag? Or should I just get it and not tell him where it came from?

On another note, last Sunday a woman who attended the church I grew up in came over so that her
son could use my computer for his Science Fair Project. Anyway, Dani has been telling them all a
little about my past and they are all shocked, and she asked and well, I told her, I didn't get into a lot of detail, but I skimed over most of it. She confessed that one day they were making dinner and she told my mom that it was easier/better to do it "this" way and mi mama looked at her and humiliated her and frightened her so much that she never approached mi mama again. And yet, she left me in her care. She did nothing. And these are the people that I am supposed to call brother and sister and teach my cubs to respecet, these are the people that are suppose to become my community. I can't just yet, I can be civil, I learned that from my books. But I can't be that cold, I can't and honestly I don't want to. Before she left she hugged me and told me that she couldn't believe how strong I was to survive 18 years of "that." And that I had to keep going for my cubs, but before our conversation my Dani was the hero because he decided to marry me "dispite my illness that had made me a cripple"-even though she(they) never took the time to verify, they ate up her lies and yet, they had me pegged. And now, I am again pittied, I think that I liked it more when they hated me for having "caught" Dani. When you know him, you'll understand.

2007-02-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

As I read this comment it clicked. All this time I've been thinking "Why did God let me go through this? Why didn't He care if He's supposed to be my heavenly Fater!"
~Hey there girl, I read your post yesterday and thought, I need to think about this and pray about this before I send you a comment.~
Thank you, I honestly haven't been seeking God, but He
always finds a way to let me know He is thinking of me and caring for me.
~You have some very powerful emotions moving through you right now. I know you are hurt, I know it's hard to forgive, and I'm not saying you should forgive your mom right now, but I am telling you that by holding that hate inside you, it will eat you alive. It is far better to forgive and let go. Please do not think I am judging you, I am not, because I have been in that place of unforgiveness too. It takes time.~
Thank you for recognizing that I have a right to these feelings. I know that my Dani believes me and acknowledges my feelings, but it is wonderful to know that others understand me too.
~I think that your family and church stood by and watched what was happening in horror. Sometimes, when we see something so wrong and unjust...you just freeze, you want to help, but you are scared, powerless. Could it be that your family did nothing, said nothing out of fear of your mother? I cannot say, whether their actions are justifiable or not, God is their judge. ~
This is where it clicked. God didn't just stand by, He put people in the position to help me and they didn't. THEY didn't. God didn't let me down, EVER. After all, when my Grandpa-her dad-tried to help, she called the cops, why would anyone else want to get involved, THEY didn't care that I was at her mercy. THEY have never understood how a mother could do this to her child, that's part of my culture-a mother is just under God, most times, above Him.
~I prayed for you today, and God put this Psalm into my head right away.

Psalm 43:

Declare me innocent, O God! Defend me against these ungodly people. Rescue me from these unjust liars.

For you are God, my only safe haven. Why have you tossed me aside? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies? Send out your light and your truth, let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God-the source of all my joy. I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my savior and my God.~
And this brought it all home. Thank you Tracey, He used you to finally get me to understand, actually, lately, there's been alot of enlightenment.

~Zoraida, I do know that you are working so hard to overcome this and I am so proud of you. Please reach out to the those around you that DO care, you cannot walk this road alone. I cannot tell you enough how much God loves you and wants to lead you away from this hurt, you will find more peace and love in Him than you have ever known. Trust in him.

I hope that today your heartache is not so deep. You are in my prayers, Tracey~
I want to get better so bad, its inside me not like a cold where you know that in two weeks you'll get better and the sneezing and runny nose will go away. This doesn't have a time limit or symptoms that you can control or stop. The anxiety happens at any moment and the flashbacks come whenever they want. There are days that I don't sleep because I am afraid of what I will dream. Mental illness is real, just as real a the common cold and just as common. There are days where I can't stand to be near anyone-cubs and hubby included and there are days when I don't want to be alone. They are suymptoms and they will go away, because I will get better, I don't know when, I just know I will. I don't plan to forgive, I can't think about that yet, but the need for revenge isn't in me anymore. Just the need to be heard and for everyone that was there, that IS revenge. I need to get it all out of me in order to get better and if they didn't care then then ther is no reason for them to care now. I am tired. If they didn't confront her to save themselves, then they can't ask me to forgive her and I won't bite my tongue anymore. It hurts a million times more to keep it all inside me. And I won't 'cause then I won't get better.
Thank you Tracey, and thank you God for looking out for me and tugging on my ear to make me listen. Thank you.

I will

2007-02-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to install a 2.0 USB card in my computer, but I have
been unable to install the drivers. I bought the first one from Circuit City
and the second one from Best Buy, and they both have the same software.
So, this evening I will be returning the second one I bought and have run out of options as to where to get one that will work. Such frustration! I can't upload my pics if I don't have the 2.0.
And on another note, I saw my uncle today. I haven't seen him in about a
year, he lives in Springfield. Sadly, I was disappointed to see him. First of all, most of the time we talked about my kids and then it was that uncomfortable dead silence. He told me to forgive her and to remember that I only have one mother, and to aspire to be like God-forgiving. I told him that I would not forgive-I don't believe in that and that honestly, I don't want to be like God-that ambition got Lucifer into a lot of trouble. And it was then, that moment that I realized that I was born into a world that didn't care about me. No one would have saved me, simply because no one cared, I had always thought that IF I had had the courage to tell him the truth he would have saved me, but he told me today that mi mama es mi mama. And it hurts, it hurts so much that my Daniel has felt my heart break and is at this moment sitting in my lap with his arms around my neck and his head in the way. Now, 22 years after my birth there are people that care about me. But 22 years too late, they can't fix my liver,stomach, or kidney that have been almost shot by all the drugs she got the doctors to prescibe even though they knew that the tests alwas said I was healthy. Not the nurses that would give them to me while I was in school, and not the enormous church community I spent 6 years growing up in. No one cared, because they didn't want to confront her. Even my family just sat by and watched. My own father washed his hands. If mi mama was going to claim me as a dependent on her income taxes, then she could do what she wanted with me. And she did. And no one wants to listen. And I don't care. I won't keep the truth within me anymore! I will finish what I have started, I will speak. And I will get better without them and I will be everything they never thought I would be. I will accomplish all my dreams, afterall, I already jumped the biggest
hurdle, learning to dream.

progress

2007-02-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago my group therapy session was about asking for help. Today I did just that and I
am very proud of myself! David called to ask if we were at home, see, yesterday Dani and I went
with him so that he could buy a laptop. And he wanted to come over to use the internet at my
house. I said yeah we're here, then I asked him where he was at and he said that he was at his
aunt's house, and why? And I said 'cause I was going to ask you to stop and get a card at the
computer store. He's like sure what kind? And that was how I asked for help -well a favor. And the best part is that I didn't even think about it! I just did it.
Last week we talked about taking care of ourselves and last night when I told Dani that I needed to
learn to develop the skills to take care of myself so that I can convince myself that I am worth of being cared for he told me that he was going to help me and that the first thing we had to do is to make our environment nurturing so that I could learn to take care of myself. So today we got rid of a bookcase that we had left right in front of the door on a previous attempt to move it out and because of its position in the house it had become a catch all. So we emptied it out and got rid of it. Then, we put my computer on the big desk -which was supposed to be for Dani's desktop, but because its now a laptop, he doesn't need that much room. And in the process we decided to put
in a 2.0 usb into my computer and somehow, my keyboard and mouse -which are bluetooth got
disconected and now I can't use it-until David brings his keyboard and mouse so that I can re- install mine. So, he let me borrow his laptop. David is like my brother,Alexis Gonzalez. I've been looking for him all my life, my big brother, and without my knowledge I found my little brother, not because of blood, but becase he has decided to be my friend and that gives him the place of my brother. He was the one that took Daniel to the hospital the day that Iva was born and he was the one that gave Dani and Daniel rides to and from the hospital and dinner. David made late night runs for us when I was getting better and before Iva was born. He would come over every other day just to make sure that Iva and I were doing well. I have never in my life met someone who was so kind and considerate.

Not myself

2007-01-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

and I honestly haven't been for a few days. I've been trying to pretend to be so for a while, but I've had no luck. Today is worse. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. Its a good thing Dani's Mon/Wed class was canceled or I don't know what I would have done with my cubs. Finally, I got up and put the living room in order and then I took a long almost 30 minute shower. That made me feel a little better. But I am still not me. I don't know what to do. Today I barely made it to Group- mostly because I kept procrastinating. Group didn't help, the theme today was "taking care of oneself"-but I did take solace knowing that everyone in Group was having a awful day. I can't pinpoint what is wrong. I know that I am worried about work- we haven't been making a profit for the past two months. So, money is an issue -but just part of it. The other is that I start school in March and who will
take care of my cubs for me? Especially since I don't trust anyone I don't know what the rest of it is, but I can't sleep- flashbacks. And I can't get motivated to start or finish any of my projects. The ITE3 just started and I thought that that would get me out of my slup, but it hasn't. I like my partners and I have an idea of the colors I am going to use and the shape of the purse I want - not how I am going to incorporate those colors, but that doesn't matter because I still don't have the yarn.
I don't know how to describe what I am feeling and what makes it worse is that Dani is getting very frustrated with me. He thinks that I am purposly not telling him something. He doesn't understand that emotionally my devolopment and consecuently vocabulary is not as mature as it should be. I think I'm just a little older than Daniel in that area- I know what "no" means and I know how to share-LOL-. I know that I am depressed and unmotivated, but I don't know how to name the rest of what I feel. I need a thesarus and a dictionary-LOL.

update

2007-01-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today I am adding another person to my community: Tracy at http://fuzzybritches.wordpress.com/.

About Saul, he may come back, but he has to cross three countries before he arrives. That is too dangerous and honestly, you can't be in your right mind to do that again.

Today, I spent most of the day designing a dress for me for my niece's wedding in April. But, I don't know how to make patterns to sew, so I am left either teach myself, or knitting or crocheting the whole thing and that doesn't appeal to me either. So now, I am sitting here wishing that I could make things just appear - or disappear. I have found the perfect thread and fingering yarn - its perfect because its in the right color, NOT because of anything else!- but not the fabric. I do want to incorporate knit and crochet into the dress, but I don't want to make the whole thing... though honestly, that would be lots of fun! Can you believe that I couldn't even find a sewing pattern to alter to make my dress? Unless I do too much cutting and pasting. I can't wait to start my classes. To bad I'll only be a month into those classes by the time the wedding comes around :(
Oh well, this is fun too.

About Me

2007-01-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

Basics

Name: Zoraida
Birthplace: Tucson,AZ
Current Location: Tucson,AZ
Heritage: Mexican/Peruvian- though I don't know much
about each culture
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brown
Hair Length: mid back
Height: on my right leg I'm 5'2" on my left leg I'm 5'3"-so when my hubby asks I'm 5'3" and taller than him!
Weight: not what I wish it was
Figure:not what I wish it was
Righty or Lefty: Both
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
Introvert or extrovert:Introvert
Meyers-Briggs Personality type:very expressed introvert
Style:vintage
Clothing:casual vintage-y
Hair:short layers and wavy
Music:anything except hard rock
Makeup: light and breezy and only when I have time!
Body Art:none but I love henna!
Car: volvo stationwagon that's almost celebrating its quinceanera.
Decor: none, but I am working on that!

Right Now
Current mood: bored
Current music: reggeton-hey, I'm 22 and Latina
Current taste:Chinese
Current hair: wavy brown stright when I have time
Current clothes: casual semi vintage style but definately new
Current annoyance: Daniel throwing a tantrum when he knows he
won't get anywhere because he hasn't ever. Sweeping and moping just
to have someone -no names- spill juice,soda, cereal,salt
Current smell: musky vanilla
Current longing: to get better
Current desktop picture: there is supposed to be a flower, but after a
fewminutes of being turned on the screen turns grey. Help!
Current fingernail color: none, I can't wait for the stuff to dry, there is too much crocheting and knitting to do
Current likes: anything & everything creative and DIY
Current dislikes:  I don't know-mi mama
Current favorite article of clothing: my nursing tanks-so comfy!
Current favorite place to be: in bed!
Current time you wake up in the morning: 7-ish or when my cubs yell
Current favorite word: Y?(and?) tough!

What are you...
Thinking of: getting back to my crafts
Feeling: tired
Remembering:my childhood
Doing:Typing!Knitting! Crocheting!Quilling! Sewing!
Planning: Graduate from Design school!

What were you doing
1 hour ago: cuddling my sick cubs
1 day ago: getting medicine for my boy
1 week ago: making my grocery list
1 month ago: getting ready for X-mas
1 year ago: getting ready for my girl
5 years ago: trying to finish my freshman year after mi mama kept me
home from Nov. to March.
10 years ago: trying to learn pre algebra in 6th grade

Your favorite
Music: Reggeton
Cartoon: Disney's Beauty and the Beast; The Lion King;Cars
Font:Metro
Color: green
Song: Como Se Cura Una Herida sung by Jacqui Velasquez
Flavor:chocolate mint
Scent:vanilla
Magazine: ReadyMade;Crochet!;Blueprint;Domino
TV Show:M*A*S*H; Charmed; Law & Order;
Book: not good with titles
Movie:not good with titles
Language: Spanish
Food:Barbacoa en la tierra de Guanajauato
Beverage: Chai hot
Fruit: strawberry
Vegetable: broccoli
Season: spring because its not so hot, but summer 'cause that's when
my cubs were born
Subject in School: writting and science
Weekend Activity: walking at the mall with my hubby and cubs
Ice Cream Flavor:mint & chocolate chip
Pizza toppings: xtra cheese and pineapple

Preferences
Cola or Other: Cola
Coke or Pepsi:Pepsi
Fried, Scrambled, or Poached: scrambled, but they have to be catch free - or I get sick
Pancakes or Waffles: waffles, they catch the syrup better
Dogs or Cats:both
Coffee or Tea: both
Iced or Hot:hot coffee iced tea
Looking out the window or into the room: into the room
One Pillow or Two: one body pillow
Chocolate or Vanilla:Chocolate
High Achiever or Easy-Going:High Achiever
Single or Taken:married 3 & half years
Pen or Pencil:I prefer pen, but you can only read my writting when I
use a pencil
Gloves or Mittens:none
Planned or Spontaneous:planned
Food or Candy:candy
Matches or a Lighter:none
Typed or Handwritten:handwritten
Walk or Run: walk
Elevator or Stairs: stairs
Walk or Drive:drive
Facing into the restaurant or away from the other people: facing into the restaurant, I like to people watch
Eating alone, with one friend, or with lots of friends:one or with Dani
Home or "Out":home
Alone, with one friend, or with a group? Cubs!

Who Would You Like To...
Hear From: My long lost big brother Alexis Gonzalez
Never Hear From Again:Rosa and Angelica Miranda-my sisters in law & mi mama
Look Like: me
Be Like: Antonia Miranda- my sister in law
Meet: Don Omar
Get to Know: Petra Miranda-my mother in law
Learn from / Study With: Petra Miranda
Impress: my dad
Teach: my cubs

Do you...?
Have any tattoos (where?): no
Have any piercings (where?): ears 1 in each
Have any scars:  tons!
Get along with your parents?:  who does?
Get motion sickness: no
Think you're a health nut: I'm half way to being a health nut
Type with your fingers on the right keys:yes, it was mandatory in jr.
high
Play an instrument: used to play the violin and would like to again
Play an instrument well: no
Sleep with a stuffed animals: does hubby count?
Have a significant other: does hubby count?
Have a dream that keeps coming back: nightmares
Believe there is life on other planets: yes
Read the newspaper: not any more-too depressing
Read the comics: no
Read the sports pages:no
Check the weather forecast: sometimes-when we go to work
Go to restaurants alone: sure, why not!?
Consider yourself tolerant of others: no
Like the taste of alcohol: I thought you used the stuff to disinfect?
Drink: water;soda;tea;coffee
Smoke: no
Swear: in English but not in Spanish
Sing:sure
Sing in public:NO
Sing in the shower:yes
Laugh: of course!
Joke: Do I?
Read: Couldn't answer this if I didn't
Exercise: Does chasing a 2 yo count?
Diet: Tried, but I like to eat
Cook: Tried, but I like to eat
Believe in astrology: yes
Read your horoscope: no
Believe in magic:yes
Believe in miracles:yes
Go to church:no
Have any secrets:yes
Have any pets: does hubby count?
Have any children:yes,2
Have any brothers or sisters:yes,4
Work:yes
Have a college degree (or go to or plan to go to college):yes
Chat to strangers who instant message you:no
Talk to strangers on the bus:no
Wear hats:no
Like yourself:I'm getting there
Wish on stars: Yes
Like your handwriting: Yes
Trust others easily:no
Like puns:Yes
Have a good sense of humor:Yes
Take walks in the rain:Yes

Do you prefer
Traveling: yes, depending on my mood
Staying home:yes, depending on my mood
Going out:yes, depending on my mood
Cooking:yes, depending on my mood
Eating out:yes, depending on my mood
Entertaining at home:yes, depending on my mood
Large parties:no
Small parties where you know everyone:yes, depending on my mood
Quiet evenings with a few friends:yes, depending on my mood
Being alone:yes, depending on my mood

Leisure Time: Do you like to...
Read:yes
Go out, anywhere!:yes
Go dancing:yes
See a show:yes
Rent a video:yes
Listen to music:yes
Go for a walk:yes
Watch television:yes
Surf the web:yes
Chat with friends online:yes
Meet people for coffee and conversation:yes
Go to a party:no
Stay home:yes

Sports and recreation: Do you...
Jog:no
Run:no
Walk:no
Ski:no
Swim:yes
Play on a team:no
Play "pickup" games:no
Bowl:no
Work Out: no

Creative outlets: Do you...
Paint or draw: yes
Sculpt, do pottery, mold clay...:no
Build scale models:no
Collect... (what?):crochet hooks and yarn and anything craft
related, eventuallt I use it.
Write (what?):yes
Compose music:no
Choreograph dances:no
Dance:yes
Develop software:
Meditate:no
Daydream:yes

Have you ever...?
Eaten an entire box of Oreos:yes
Thought about eating an entire box of Oreos:yes
Baked a cake:yes
Cooked Thanksgiving Dinner for a group:yes
Eaten sushi:never
Been on stage:yes
Gone skating:yes
Made homemade cookies:yes
Gone skinny dipping:never
Dyed your hair:never
Broken a bone:yes
Been hospitalized overnight:yes
Had your name appear in the newspaper:yes
Published a story, poem, novel...:yes
Played a game that required removal of clothing:never
Gotten drunk or extremely intoxicated:never
Been arrested:no
Changed your name:when I married
Changed your "look":  I am working on that
Changed who you were to fit in:yes
Traveled outside the country:yes

Memories - The Past
Last Thing You Bought: medicine and a thermometer-last night
Last Interesting Thing You Did: made three purses
Last Interesting Thing You Heard: that men shouldn't change girls' diapers
Last Interesting Thing You Said:
Last Interesting Thing You Saw: a tummy tuck
Last Thing You Touched:the keyboard
Last Thing You Had To Eat: chocolate
Last Thing You Had To Drink: a pepsi
Last Thing You Watched On Tv:Chavo del 8
Last Book You Read: A book about a girl who grew up with an abusive mother-I'm not good with titles
Last Music You Listened To:my hubby's
Last Movie You Saw:Something on LMN
Last Movie You Saw On The Big Screen: Cars
Last Person You Called On The Phone:Dani
Last Person You Talked To Online:my ITE3 exchange partner
Last Person You Emailed: my niece
Last Time You Cried:two days ago
Last Time You Smiled:when I sent Daniel to the corner & he asked why(first time he asks) and I said 'cause you sat on your sister-abou ten munites ago
Last Time You Laughed: still laughing
Last Person You Hugged: Iva
Last Person You Kissed:Iva

The Future
Where do you see yourself in five years? Designing clothes and wathcing my cubs grow up
Describe your Dream Career:  Designing clothes and making them myself with hand crocheted and knit elements
What do you want to be when you grow up? Me
What country would you most like to visit?Peru and Spain
Where are you going to live?  In Peru or Spain

Miscellany
How many rings until you answer the phone?  two or three
What's on your mouse pad?its black
Do you like thunderstorms? yes
Do you like snow? yes!
How many houses have you lived in?3, one motel room and three
trailers
How many schools have you gone to?6
Do you like to drive?sometimes
What color is your bedroom carpet?green and cream-yuk!
If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take one thing (not person) with you what would you take? a knife so that I can make a hook and needles and a drop spindle and so I can eat
What was the best time of your life so far?the past 3 years

What is...
The last thought you go to sleep with: that I am safe & so are my cubs
Your first waking thoughts: my cubs
The first feature you notice in someone you just met:their face-to see if they are kind and trust worthy
Your best physical feature:my hair
Your greatest fear:being like mi mama
Your biggest weakness: my cubs and chocolate
Your strongest attribute: I am stubborn
Your greatest accomplishment:my cubs
Your most cherished memory: the first time I held Iva and Daniel at the same time

Moods
I Hurt:most of the time
I Love:all the time
I Hate: some of the time
I Fear:most of the time
I Hope:all the time
I Feel:most of the time
I Listen:some of the time
I Hide:most of the time
I Drive:all the time
I Play:some of the time
I Miss:most of the time
I Learn:all the time
I Know:all the time
I Wait:all the time
I Need:all the time
I Want:all the time

Hi!

2007-01-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am back. Last Monday I went to my first group meeting for PTSD
that's how they abreviate what I was diagnosed with. It was about asking
for help.I realized that one of the main reasons if not the main reason
why I have trouble asking for help is because I have PTSD. Kind of makes sense one thing would be linked with the other. Anyway, they talked about building a community and that was my commitment for this
week.
So, my community consists of:
Dani,
my dad
David
Cuby
and that's it. There is no one else to add to this list. Which is sad and pathetic, a 22 year old has a community of four men, no wonder I felt so lost both times I was pregnant. I mean, I had more than enough people to go for a gallon of chocholate Dryers ice cream or an Eegees or even a Jamba Juice, but no one who understood what was really going on.
In order to build my community I have to meet people. And in order to meet people, I have to be me. And in order to be me I have to speak up, so when on my crochet group someone asked for ways to make money, I emailed her and suggested a charm bracelet whose charms can be taken off to be used as stitch markers. She liked it. So did I.

On another note, I want to thank you for reading these ramblings and making such nice comments. They really help when I am down. And they did say that you feel worse before you feel better, so I guess I am getting better!haha
I've been bored lately so I tackled cabels in knitting and made two purses with those, just combined the cables with posts and they turned out cute. Now if I could only figure out how to do a cable in crochet.
I've also been playing around with quilling and drawing. And writing, my other big passion other than being creative.

Today a friend was kindly given a free trip back to his home country by our wonderful govenment. I will miss him dearly, and so will his two year old girl. Saul, God be with you. I'll watch over Stephanie for you. I will post pictures of her sometimes so that you can see her grow.

Excited!

2007-01-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

So, I went to bed early (any one that know me should know that I don't
go to sleep early) because I couldn't keep my eyes open. that was
around 8:30. Now I can't fall back asleep. Flashbacks.
My whole life she told me how I'd never amount to anything. She'd tell me that I was good for nothing. She'd tell me that I was an ingrate. She took care of me all that time, took me to the drs and to those appts and tests and that all that I put her through making her worry and her not knowing if I'd survive. Her with her sleepless nights. She'd tell me that being creative was a waste of time and money. She wouldn't let me use the material that I'd buy with the coins that I saved. She would tear me down and never let me think that I was good enough. An A wasn't good enough. When I knew the answers, she'd tell me that I was an i
rrespectful little ingrate and that I thougt that I was better than
everyone because I knew it all. She made me feel worthless and after 18 years of hearing it at all hours of the day (her bed time is 2 am ... if she can shut up) I believed her. I had no other choice. She knew how to manipulate me. She'd tear me down and then say something like "It's my cross to bear. At some point I did something wrong in this life and so God gave me you, to take care of. Sick, ungrateful you. But that
s okay becase even though no one will ever want you I'll always be here for you." and she'd follow that with a hug. Her few hugs at just the right moments. I wasn't allowed to get close to anyone. I was only allowed to talk and be with her. She's intentionally and behind my back sabotage any and every
relationship I'd creat-teachers, friends, counselors, doctors. She'd be on
the phone making up lies, and I realized it the next time I saw them
and they treated me differently. People would keep me away from me.
I was contagious. And she was the illness. Always...
So, now after 4 years, I am told that I would be an asset to the Design School and that I am creative, by people that are not my DH or my dad, or my friends ( all 3 of them!) I was told by the head of the finance dept. that I was an inspiration to him ( well, technically he said that my hubby and I were) but it felt nice. I was surprised! I was overwelmed and I was ... how do I say this, I belived them. I belived them the first time they said it. I didn't need to be convinced. I... I don't know how, but I have come a long way.
Dios mio will the memories never end? Will I ever be able to forget?

News and Goals

2007-01-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

So, for the news, I got into Fashion Design School! Yes! I will be starting in March and will incure
a debt of more or less $15,000. That is the price of an associates degree. I will be starting with
16 credits and I do qualify for a FAFSA grant, for both semesters. This degree will take more or
less 18 months.

Now, for the goals.
1) finish Daniel and Iva's bedroom - I spent Dec. remodeling and painting and designing my kids
bedroom. Now, I am waiting for the cloth I ordered to arrive and I can do the curtains and I will
pick up some decorating accessories the next time I am at the outdoor mall. Actually the only
thing left will be bed clothes for each. Daniel needs sheets for a twin and Iva needs sheets for the
crib that are not blue or green. And some more storage would be nice!

2) Do our bedroom, I am still dreaming, so that will take a while.

3) I'd like to sell more of my own creations

4)School

5)pay off debt

6) get over my post traumatic stress disorder. That is what I was diagnosed with. I am working
on getting through this diagnosis if not over it.

7) get a firm diagnosis for everything else! Its easier to deal with something when it has a name.

8) take Iva to gym class

9) be a size 8.

10) enroll Daniel in day school.

These goals are not in order. They just are.

oh, and finish my crochet and knit projects before I start any new ones- so far not doing so well
there. I started a hat and haven't finished anything yet! and its what? the eleventh!
Gotta get back to those projects! Oh, I am 45-ish inches into a 60 inch red scarf for the
Red Scarf projet. Gotta... get... it... done!

Update

2006-12-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

Lord, I don't know where the time went! Last I remember I was celebrating my hubby's 24th bday on the 17th and then I was recording Daniel open xmas presents! He got clothes. So did Dani. That's what they needed! I am still working on their bedroom, my kids. That is what Daniel really wants. Dani gave me the Dremel XPR and a wireless router. The router is for him. He'll be getting a laptop in a few months, but he wrapped it up for me. Nice! I wanted some yarn or other craft supplies, but he says he thought that those were everyday presents. I gave my dad a vest and today he came over with some yarn that honestly feels more like twine to make himself a vest. Only, he didn't want to crochet it, he wants to knit it. So, he left it here and I'm going to work on it little by little until its done. In between everything else. So, tomorrow, if I can update some pics, I'll have some for showing off.

Confused

2006-12-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I've been offline. Mostly, I've been crocheting and knitting. I
finished the scarf and am almost done with a vest. I am currently working on
another and a shrug. But that is not what has me confused. i a m confused
because mi mama has been acting differently. I don't know if its for real or not.
I just know that she is acting like a normal mom. She's taken me shopping twice,
once was just for Iva. But either way, she is so...I don't want to say normal because
normal doesn't exist, so I guess the word is common. She's been diecent with my
dad and Dani.
Oh, yesterday was his bday and he almost got bitten by a dog, instead he just got
chased up and down the block! I got him a sewater and some chocolates.
I don't know what to think about the way she's been acting.
I got part of my kids' bedroom painted yesterday. Trouble is that my hubby and I are still living there. We are giving them the bigger room because its the only one that will hold a bed, a crib, a changing table, and all those toys.
Someday I will understand what is going on. I wish I could say that she has finally gotten medical help.
P.S. SPThanks for the comments about my kids!

Pics!

2006-12-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

This is a pic of my scarf. I'm not done yet. There is one more block and then the pattern will repeat.
The lace block was the hardest, but mostly because I can't remember what row I'm on, which is also why I don't follow patterns. Which leads me to look for resources to create my own garments and other items. Some say I may have slight dislexia, others say I have to actually concentrate. Luckilly, my short term memory is great when it comes to sequences.

This is my dd's dress on top of the scarf. I know, the holes magically moved to the side, but there will be a flower in between the diamonds and plus this is the back not to mention, I can't keep track of my row (which is why I gave up on cross stitching! LOL)
This is Iva in a dolls high chair. I know, I'm mean. In my baby album there is a pic of me in a doll crib. So I figure, this would be cute!
This is my dad. Now tell me that my kids don't look like him!
Here is Daniel, with his thumb in his mouth. Someday that habit will be gone!
Not all, but the rest are in the bedroom and Dani is asleep. So they will have to wait to be photographed.
Back to work, and boy do I have a long way to go!

2006-12-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I've been away, but I have a good excuse! I've been
knitting and crocheting and desinging my bedroom and my kids room,
plus I've been thinking about remodeling the kitchen.
Busy Busy!
I also have to catch up on bills!
Oh boy!
We are going to give my babies the bigger bedroom so that I can keep
them and their toys in there without having them spill into the living
room. But that means painting the room first, then moving around all
the furniture. So, I have to first, but the paint and supplies and then
prep the room. I'd like to have all this done by Janurary. See, I have
this rule. Baby out of our bedroom by 6 months. See, having a baby is
enough strain on one person, be that mom or dad, but it is even more
straining on our marraige. So, since baby is out of our room by then, the
n we can spend a few moments talking about us before falling asleep.
Iva will be 6 months old in Janurary. So that means by Feburary
everything will be done. But that also means that I have to find
somewhere to store our stuff my craft stuff- by then too. I will probably
be storing it in bookshelves under the bed. I also want to make some
stairs that have storage in them for climbing up on the bed. Then
possible wall storage.
About my crafting, I finished the poncho and tiny bag both knit for my
niece she's 1. I am 13 of the way done with my son's tunisian crochet
blanket.It's the first time I've used different colors to make a picture!
So far so good. My hubby's blazer is on hold. I borrowed the hook to
make something else and now I can't find it Don't tell him that! I
want to start my son's vest, but I'm not sure if I should make it 26 or 28
inches around. See, he's somewhere between 24 and 25 inches right
now. I can't be exact because he won't sit still. Anyway, I think I'll go
for 28 inches. I am making a gague swatch for a dress for my DD. And I
put on hold my make as you go wrist warmers just because I've got too
much going on right now. So I'm getting back to work, I'll post pics
soon.
P.S. Mi mama took my kids for a walk at the swap meet with out my permission and I went nuts walked the whole place in record time I'm sure! And when I finally found her I asked her to never do that to me again. She got so pissed off! She took it out on my dad and he left. He left her alone for a week. From Fri. to Fri. Last night I went over there to ask her for my dad's eye drops - see, he is developing glaucoma and artheritis. And she came over and asked my dad a few times to go over to her house to spend the night. Then -for the first time in her life- she asked him for forgiveness! And he accepted. So I guess people can change - if given the right medicine.

Homework's Done

2006-11-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

I stayed up until 3 am to finish my 8 inches of knit from my homework. I am hooked! and here is a pic of my new Brittany needles with some yarn from my stash making the first block of my scarf! Just knowing that there was a professional there watching me knit gave me the confidence to fly through the rows. I love this. My DH was right, I am good at all this yarn stuff. I can't wait to start working on my daughters sweater's and my son's and oh boy, I need more hours and more hands. That's what I want for X-mas more hands...and yarn...and ...TIME! Today, I went to Target to get diapers and while I was there I found some Barbie shoe charms for $.74. There were six to a pack and they are perfect stitch markers. Plus, you can't beat the price!
Last Monday, I called my sister in Peru. We talked for an hour and a half! First, I can't believe I reached out. Twice, once to Lulu and before to Elvira. And second that we talked for so long! I also made myself one wrist warmer. The other is on hold as is the blazer, the afghan, the other afghan, the vest, the other afghan, the skirt, the purse, the tote, and anything else I can't remember right now.
Back to knitting.....

Knitting Class

2006-11-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, in a little over an hour I am going to a knitting class. I was supposed to go with my sister-in-law, she was excited on thursday and yesterday, but an hour ago I called her and she said that it was too late to take the class... which kind of sucks because I'd already worked everything out with her hubby. I was hoping to start a relationship, but I won't waste my time on her. I find someone else who want's to be friends with me. Anyho, I'm using the needles my Secret Pal gave me and some scrap yarn to go to class, that way if it gets messed up...it will get messed up... it won't hurt so much. I am excited but a little apprehensive, no matter what I try I can't get the purl stich. Holding the yarn in front doesn't make sense.

Thank you Secret Pal

2006-11-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to go into detail right now, but I wanted to give a heartfelt thank you to my secret pal from SP9. My box of goodies arrived, first my DH though I'd ordered something without telling him, but when he realized that everything was wraped he figured it was a present. Thank you, I love the needles and the hook.Haven't had a chanch to properly use them yet, but I made a small swatch and they feel sooooo good. Then I petted the yarn over and over! Dani kept teasing me cause I wouldn't put them down,not even to finish my dinner. He took to to the local LYS the next day to buy yarn so that I'd stop holding the ones that were sent! Only all the yarn was for some fingerless mittens and a scarf-for him!LOL. Well, I have to say that the colors were absolutely wonderful, he took the toasted orange yarn for his scarf too! I love him to pieces, Thank You. I can't waite to finish my DH's blazer so that I can start on the scarf just so I can feel the yarn. Trust me, the suede I'm using now feel just like heaven too!
Thank you thank you,
Z

A New Week

2006-10-30T01:47:00.001-07:00

Hey, I can't believe its been a whole week since I've written. My babies are doing great! Iva is talking and figuring out how to coordinate her hands. Daniel is working on dressing himself. I have figured out how to give myself permission to buy myself things. We went to the mall and I bought a pair of pants and two sweaters at Old Navy! That's only the 3rd time I've shoped there and guess what! Everything was on clearance and fit! There's a sweater I have my eye on at JCPenny, I almost bought it today, but I wasn't sure how I'd look in it.
I really want to make my own sweater, but it would have to be quick to work up. I may do it. But I have so many projects right now! I had to move them out of the living room and now I'm not sure where all the "parts" are at and I'm missing my H hook. But I don't remember if I was using it on something so... it may not be missing.
I've been watching a lot of DIY tv lately and Dani tells me that I CAN do it all, so right now I am going to start making plans on a doll house. I think I'll make it Barbie doll size, but I'd like to make it a little bigger, so that we have more space to play and the dolls can be easier to dress ... but where would I put it!?
Other projects are a sofa and a bed, maybe the side tables too.
I've been doing a lot of coloring lately, something I loved to do as a little girl but I didn't because if I used up my crayons I wouldn't be getting more. Anyway, Dani wanted to see my pics so I picked up some puffy paint and traced my drawings. He loves it. I printed out some pics of my babies and traced them too. He thinks they look funny. But he can see his babies.
Today, I walked, literally, from 4 to 9. Only stoped for 40 min to eat. I loved it. Dani was ready to kill me he was so tired! He and I can't believe how much endurance I have. I think I'll start walking daily from now on. At least I can try.

Monday : Beginning

2006-10-23T23:09:00.000-06:00

So, this weekend was very busy. I went back to work and all went well. I had a panic attact on the way to the Swap Meet on both days. I almost came back...almost. Most of the people were new there. Those that I recognized were very nice and very surprise, mostly because not all of them had noticed that I was pregnant, even though its only been four months since I've been to the Swap Meet. I tried not to make the fact that I was pregnant noticible because I didn't want mi mama to figure it out. When I was expecting Daniel she'd tell me such awful things that I didn't want to go through that. I was sure she'd tell me that I was stupid to not realize all the work I was getting myself into since Dani can't see and Daniel is just 2. But she didn't realize that Dani is helping me out more and more around the house. And Daniel well, he wore underwere today for about 5 hours and went to and in the potty once. Then we went to the park to play and run some errends.
On Sunday, we went to the toy train museum. It was great! They were innagurrating a real caboose. Daniel loved it he is obssesed with trains and cars. Dani loved imagining everything that I tried to describe. Trust me, I didn't even describe half of what was there! The whole time I was there I was...like... in a daze. On the drive to a class that Dani had to give I remembered... I remembered the Xmas mi mama bought the toy train. First, she was very determined to buy it because her mom was determined I get a dress up set or something else frilly. She said I'd turn out lesbian if I kept playing with toys for boys...Talk about ignorance...Mi mama said that that wouldn't happen, but when we went back for the train she didn't want to buy it because it was to expensive... I still don't remember what I went without that winter in order to get the train set. I didn't tell that to Dani... He dosen't like it when I tell him what I'm starting to remember...Maybe it was shoes or a jacket...I don't remember...I just know that I went without for no reason. My mom was always paid more that $8 an hour and went on $100 shopping sprees at the thrift stores...the proof in actually IN and AROUND her house!... I opened the box and looked at all the trains and then kept it safe under a huge piece of furniture in the dinning room. I used to set it up on Xmas for about an hour or two...I knew the scolding that was comming if I broke or lost a piece. Finnally, two of the cars broke...the back tires twisted in...I don't know how...I put the set away immediatly and havn't taken it back out. I saw it about 3 years ago, the box still perfect... the train not.

New

2006-10-20T16:28:00.000-06:00

Today I had an appointment to help a co-worker of mi mama with her crocheting. She wants to make a blanket for her grandson. I was quite apprehensive, but went anyway. All went well. We had an audience and others gave their input and advice. It was great. She realized her mistake when starting the rows and decided to make the blanket with double crochet. I left her with a J and K size hook and a small ball of yarn from my stash and some coupons. Anyway, I had been using those hooks on projects and will have to wait until tomorrow when I can stop at my LYS, I want to try some palm and bamboo hooks.
I did go to the sale today at Joanns. Didn't buy yarn, the kind I need is either not sold there or is cheper at another store. I bought stuff for card making. I want to get started on my xmas cards. I enjoy making everything I can. I find a great joy in the things I make by hand. Therefore, I had a horrible time deciding what to spend my 50% off coupon. Until.... I found the Crochet Stitch Bible. I got it that instant! I am so excited! Too bad I'm gioing to work right now, or.... well, we can all dream.

Yesterday I went to an intake at a mental health center, I liked the treatment they gave me there. Everything was on a positive note, not at all like that other "Dr." I will definately be going back. Every word they told me was to reassure me that I was and am doing the right thing. I am not alone. I can get better. I never thought I'd have to recover from a disease I never saw, but felt. I will not do this to Daniel or Iva.

surprise!

2006-10-18T18:34:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to finish projects or at least get them started today. And trying to figure out if I need anything for xmas either for our business or for our family and still trying to find the perfect gift for a very professional lawyer friend... and running out of time! Anyway, I went out to get the mail...keeping my fingers crossed so that there wouldn't be a bill and I got a card from my Secret Pal from SP9.
I was so surprised. Its a beautiful atumn card with three bags of tea inside...Now here's my question, How did she know I love tea? Did I mention that here and just don't remember? Anyway, that reminded me that she'd asked me which books I was looking at to learn to knit and I never answered her. But I have noticed that that she is keeping up with this humble blog so I'll answer here.
Knitting basics by Betty Barnden -good pics but not much help. I've been using web videos more than anything. I also checked out Crochet 20 Simple and Stylish Designs to Wear by Jane Davis. I am also returning that one to the library, probably tomorrow. I really liked The Encylopedia of Knitting by Lesley Stanfield & Melody Griffths. I'll keep that one longer. And I am drawing my inspration to keep learning from The Baby Knits Book by Debbie Bliss. Then there's the Creative Knits Magazine I got from the International Tote Exchange and my partner Sherri (Thanks!)
That reminds me of Daniel's sweater I still have to start. I want to finish up my small stash so that I can enjoy working with new types of yarn and plus, I want to start working on my dress. Motifs, lots of flower motifs. But still not the perfect motif.
Anyway, I am almost ready for work on Fri. I ran out of material and am waiting for it to come through the mail. My dad said he wouldn't be able to help us out anymore...I'm thinking mi mama bullied him into not helping. If we don't have money, maybe I'll come crawling back to her. She hates the fact that I have a better life with my Dani than with her. So, I'm back to working at the Swap Meet. Just have to figure out how to keep my babies warm and safe while there. Five or Six hours isn't too bad. But on Saturday, if we still have material left to sell will be tough, 10 am to 11 pm. If the package doesn't come before Fri I doubt we'll be going on Sat. I can't honestly say I missed the Swap Meet these past 3 months, but I did miss the people. I can't believe I just said that. I missed the people. My regulars. Those that arrive sad and tired and leave happy and refreshed. I miss them. I'll be happy to see them on Fri.

Today

2006-10-16T22:49:00.000-06:00

Today is the day that Dani arrived in this country. Today but in 2000. He's been remembering and telling all about it throughout the day...But I don't want to listen. I don't want to imagine how awful it was for him. He keeps saying that he came here for me and that someday he'll take me back to Mexico with him. I love him so much. I can't imagine four days... walking the desert...getting lost...trying not to get eaten...and running out of food...and water... and getting cacti stuck in you at every step...jumping into arroyos and then trying to climb out of them...he told me once that he kept watch at night so that the lobos wouldn't eat them...see they get close enough that you become so frightened by their deep gaze that you don't defend yourself...the gaze didn't bother him...just the sound...my Dani is legally blind...so he kept watch...while they rested...he didn't.
My interview went okay. The guy that did the interview is actually the one that is getting replaced! Can you say awkward. Raul the owner gave Dani the impression this morning that I have the job...just have to follow formalities...See, Dani sometimes works for Raul, but Raul considers Dani his friend...actually, everyone dose...including me.
I had a hard time sleeping last night only because I finally finished telling Dani about me. Now I feel I can tell others. Slowy...because sometimes the memories still sting.
Anyway, on another note, I figured out that all my stomach pains are due to the fact that for the life of me I cannot digest chicken and have a hard time with milk...but not cheese or chocolate! Yay! :cD I have to rethink all the meals I cook...most contain chicken. Dani thinks that Daniel has a hard time with chicken too. He has diarrhea after dinner...ie chicken containing meal. Genetics at work. But I think that Dani and I both prefer that they have my weak stomach and not his congenital glaucoma. That's life.

Common

2006-10-15T22:43:00.000-06:00

I've always told my DH that normal doesn't exist. So I am feeling very common. I have a job interview tomorrow at 10 a.m. and I am loosing it. Yo se, its okay to feel this way, but for some reason its making me want to retreat, hide, run. But I won't. Tomorrow I'll get up, make breakfast and get my babies ready, I'll pretend I'm driving Dani to the bus stop, drop off my babies with my dad and stop at the interview as if I was going to run any other errand...pretend I'm going to the craft store or the hardware store to buy wood for a dollhouse. This interview was totally out of the blue. My Dani works at the restaurant sometimes and the owner asked me if I'd like to take over the administrative part of it. My dad and my Dani were here and they're like "take it, it'll do you good to get out of the house." Then Dani says, "take it so that you can spend your money at the craft store." That made me laugh and in that spirit I called him and said I'd meet with him tomorrow to talk it over. I am just hoping to make it through the interview, much less actually taking the job. Pretty much I'd be doing what I am already doing here for my DH's and my small business, nothing new. Just I'll be in an office instead of my living room. I know that it will be fine I just need to stay calm.
In trying to stay calm I started two baby afghans because I needed to work with bulky yarn instead of thread and baby weight and pluse, I needed to not have to think, just do. I stopped the first 'ghan because I acutually ran out of yarn 3/4 of the way through. Did that in an hour and an half. That's how desperate I am to remain calm.
Last night I worked on knitting and have about an inch on a smaller weight scarf. That is much harder than my size 13 needles. Everytime I felt like throwing in the towel I'd look at the pictures of the patterns in the books I have and told myself that soon I'd be making that. I actually kept on just because of that.
I also finished an unexpected hat for Daniel. He was upset that I finised the blanket for Getzemani and haven't started on his so I made that in the mean time. I want to start his blanket on Fri. This week I'll be working on... work-how redundnt-and Iva's 'ghan. She seriously needs warm blankets and I don't want to buy them! I also want to make a bunting outfit before it gets colder. Oh,and I promised Dani gloves this summer...not for summer!...but I said it this summer and its getting cool!
I need a better list one that can be updated easier than my pad and paper.
Anyone have any ideas?
Now, to bed.

New News

2006-10-13T03:02:00.000-06:00

Finally! I finished the baptisim blanket! This is going to Getzemani (sorry kid I didn't name you) He is my DH's cousins first born. This is also the cousin that helped us put in the immigration papers for my husband. Getzemani was supposed to be born 2 weeks before Iva (her full name is IvaDeimari Miakoda- please tell me I didn't scar her for life like Enrique and Gaby did with Getzemani!) So, I was a little too busy to finish it as a baby shower present, plus no invite. But I did get it
finished for the baptism - yes invite, no show-work. So I think I'll drop it off this weekend.

This is the card I made to go with the blanket, I have to remember to rotate the pics before I post.

This is a pic of Daniel holding Iva. (His full name is Daniel Gianni not that bad-right? His name means Daniel : my judge is God. Gianni : my God is benevolent /gracious. Her name means Iva : precios gift from God. Dei :God. Mar : sea. Miakoda : the power of the moon.)

These are pictures of my International Tote Exchange
II package which arrived in the mail today.
I asked Daniel to bring the box inside and he literally droped it just inside the door. Still had to thank the kid after all, I didn't specify where inside. Then after we put the groceries away I asked him if he wanted to open the package with me, he pulled the tab. I took out the packages and took the pic. Then he helped me rip the tissue paper off the packages. He made sure to shred each piece, which was a drag to pic up because we were expecting company in an hour. I got most of it picked up. Then I went through the patterns. I thought wow, how did she know I was fixing to make sweaters? And for kids? It took a while... let say its because I was so excited, but it took me quite a while figure out that its getting cold and I've got two kids, what else am I going to make? Daniel and I sat and picked out sweaters we liked. Then I petted the yarn... its so soft and so thin! It really feels like velvet! I flipped though the books sort of reading the childrens book to Daniel ...hey, we were expecting company and plus, I had patterns to look at! Anyway, I added more WIMs to my list which is already so long that I'll just dream of finishing it. I never got to the magazine...remember, it snowed green and red and white paper...and we were expecting company. So... I've been having fun dreaming of finishing those new WIMs....some even are knitted!
I'll go look at those some more.....Thank you! Thank you Sherri!

Late Night/ Early Morning?

2006-10-09T03:07:00.000-06:00

So, Iva is fast asleep, so is Dani and Daniel. Its 2 a.m. and I can't sleep... I am exhauste, but I can't sleep. I don't really want to crochet, or be on line. I don't want to watch TV either, but I can't sleep. I do want to read, but I don't know what to read... this is one of those moments where I want to gobble up a book...that is not good because I don't take time wiht my family. I don't want to go back into my little box. I love coloring with my son. I love talking with my daughter and I love spending quality time wiht my husband. I don't want to leave them. So I am trying to fight this. We went to two parties today and one yesterday... 25th anniversary, baby shower and 2 yr birthday party. I think all the forced socializing and the trying to stay isolated on my part is what is pushing me to leave the "real world". I know that Daniel and Iva NEED to socialize, but being around so many people, ...noisy... gossiping... seeing how easily they interact and knowing how hard it is for me ... well, it depresses me. I know I've come a long way, I don't have a panic attack at the thougt of another party. I don't even have to control my anxiety anymore, I just don't feel comfortable. At least today I talked wiht more people. Not like yesterday. I just let Daniel play where I can see him and I let Iva get passed around if I feel that the people there are trustworthy. I know that the discomfort is in me. If I don't trust the people I find a way to leave.
Dani picked up on it. He said he's sorry for putting me through this. I told him I love him and its not his fault and plus, its not so hard anymore. Just please give me time.
I remember, it used to be so painful to watch him talk and socialize and laugh so freely, but now, I just laugh at how often he uses those awful jokes! Everytime he gets a laugh... sometimes though, he laughs first and somethimes, he laughs the hardest. I always come up with jokes, just not the nerve to say them. Or I get all tounge tied. Or I don't make myself understood. But somehow, I make it through each and every party. It is taking time and I am afraid that in this area, time is running out. We both feel it. We all know it.
On another note, I am about one skein away from finishing a baby blaket I was suppose to have finished for yesterday, but since we weren't able to make it to that party ( a baptism) I was off the hook (joke) anyway, I worked on the card a little today, I'll finish it all later so we can drop it all off on Wed.
Otherwise, I have on my hook, a skirt, a bag, another bag, a scarf, a poncho, a blazer, a blanket for Iva, and am planning way more than even I can remeber. For now I really need to finish one bag, the blazer, the baby blanket and the skirt... not in that order. Today or at least, later today will give me some time to see what will get accomplished ...or not. It really doesn't matter. Time is in Another's hands.

SP9

2006-10-03T20:21:00.000-06:00

1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like?
I like to work with all kinds of yarn, I am making a skirt with Bernat Cool Crochet and realize that (obviously) it is easier to work with a yarn that easily slides off that one line some wools that sometimes get stuck.
I don't think I've experimented enough to have found a fiber I don't like.

2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in?
I store them in a pencil case, the ones that fit, and the ones that don't fit in a big plastic box.

3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced?
I've been knitting for about a month, I taught myself from online movie tutorials and with the help of my dad (who also taught me how to crochet). I am very much a beginner.

4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?
No, I don't, I am the only one in my family that even is online!

5. What's your favorite scent? (for candles, bath products, etc.)
Vanilla and vanilla blends.

6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy?
Do I ever! But its more like I'm a chocohalic and no, I won't be going to a 12 step program!

7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?
Crocheting, beading/jewelery making, painting, drawing, card making... I'll do just about anything!

8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD)
Latin Pop, top fourty, whaterer is popular.

9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand?
Green, purple, pink, brown, and a shade of orange that is like a pupkin. I'd rather not deal with floresent colors.

10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets?
I am married, have two kids, one's 2 the other is 2 months old and we have a dog, but he's currently at my dad's because he got lonely... my dad not the dog.

11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?
I wear ponchos and will be wearing mittens, I have hats and scarves but don't usually remember to put them on, but because of my job, I will be using them. We will spend a lot of time outdoors in the evening and night.

12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?
I like to make clothes. I am currently working on a ...my first blanket.
13. What are you knitting right now?
Well, I stopped all projects to make 2 baby blankets for friends of friends babies. They both have to be done by the 7th.

14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?
Of course! Those are the best! (other than gift cetificats to arts and crafts stores and the LYS!!)

15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?
Right now I've only worked on straight bamboo needles and love them! I hope to soon work on round plastic ones.

16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?
No.

17. How old is your oldest UFO?
Two and a half months old.

18. What is your favorite holiday?
I don't have a favorite holiday. We have only recently started celebrating them so I am not sure about holidays, yet.

19. Is there anything that you collect?
Do patterns and stiches count?
20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?
I really want the RD Ultimate Sourcebook of Knitting and Crochet Stitches, the Optima needle set from knitpicks, and any other stitch book or guide. No current subscriptions.

21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn?
ALL!

22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?
No, I barely make booties.

23. When is your birthday? (mm/dd)
11-05

Tomorrow is Another Day

2006-10-03T03:44:00.000-06:00

So I went to my appt today and was sorely diappointed by the psychologist. His attitude toward me, the words he chose and well, the treatment he gave me were very unprofessional. Plus, he didn't tell me anything I didn't first tell him and therefore already knew! So I will continue shopping around for a professional psychologist or better yet, psychiatrist.
I know that if I had gone to see him when I finally felt ready to tell my story to someone that was not Dani I would have kept my mouth shut and continued feeling guilty, as if this was all somehow my fault. Trust me, been there done that, time to move on. And this man is just an obstacle in my path. So I will not be returning.
I wish that the woman I did see back in Feb, the one that told me that it was alright, that I could get better and had already made a considerable amount of progress was closer to where I live. A 2 hr drive just doesn't fit into my schedule. I really connected to her and hope to someday be able to tell her that. She is a wonderful psychologist. And a pleasure to work with. I will forever remember her and hold her as part of the reason why I started to tell my story, the more you get it out of your system, the less it hurts.
So, because of this appt I was away from Iva for 4 hours! She didn't even fuss! I swear God gave me the most beautiful angels He could find as babies.
Daniel has figured out how to dial the phone and his first call was to 411. He asked for a listing in Salt Lake City and got mad at the operator when she couldn't find "Daddy Minda" there. Since this was during my appt, my DH let him keep playing with the phone and eventually my son dialed 911, he said hello to the operator told her he was with his dad and sister and hoped she was ok.
The operator told Dani that he made her day. Which reminded me how often we forget about the people who keep this country safe from within. We are constantly reminded about the soldier, but what about the cops and EMTs and operators and fire fighters and social workers and road workers and power company employees and everyone else that keeps us going? Who says "thanks for a job well done. Thanks for keeping my family safe." to them?
Hey, to all the public service workers THANK YOU!! And everyone else that doesn't fit that category, THANK YOU TOO!!
Well, I am done... for today.

Finally online!

2006-10-01T03:22:00.000-06:00

Finally (I can't say that enough ) and honestly, it was sooner than expected. I can't believe it is 2 in the morning and I can't fall asleep because I'm online! Can you believe, I even stopped crocheting so I could surf and catch up faster!
I am really enjoying this, but I do realize that when I was off line I sort of found a way to click with my son which has me very excited! He is very much his father's son. That is to say that everything Dani does, Daniel does too. Daniel loves to dress and act and relishes helping his dad, especially when he accomplishes guiding him without crashing. So, I had a wonderful two days. Daniel regressed a bit about 2 months before Iva was born and before that he wasn't developing as he should. I wasn't worried because I knew that the only reason was the baby. So, now that he is sure that he doesn't need to act like a baby to keep our love and his place in our hearts, he is back on his growth path. He says so many words and is actually trying to say them clearly instead of getting mad when I repeat them, he repeats them back. He brought me a heart from a foam book he reads with his heart and said "heeat" to me over and over and then he gave me kisses. By the end of this moment he was pronouncing the "r". (He knows that a heart means love. He glued foam hearts all over the paper I gave him for father's day cards for his tata and papi.) He is also much more rebellious, "no!" and "mio!" are a constant at home- and anywhere else! Books and PBS helped him to believe all that we were already telling him, that he is our baby boy and that we love him because he is our boy, plus I tell him that I have proof that he is mine and that no one can take away the proof, and I point to his belly button. I also sit and show him pictures and tell him about him when he was a newborn, he eventually comes around to steal the picture and look at it. I missed my baby. He is the most wonderful boy and I know that most of it is genetics but I'd like to think that the way we are raising him is also a factor.
Well, I guess all that is left is an intro to DH.

Busy and depressed

2006-09-29T22:48:00.000-06:00

O.K. I'm going to try this once more and if it doesn't work I'll wait until we get internet access again. My DH canceled internet access because we had technical problems and the operators were extremely rude and honestly there is no reason why we should have to put up with that.
On another note, more and more people are starting to agree with me that mi mama is not all there and that that's the reason she does what she does. So, I've got a few Dr. Appts lined up. These docs just know that I need to know what happened and that I won't give them permission to look up my med records. There are too many lies in ther and sincerely, I don't think even I could remember or even try to sort out the truth from the lies.
One of those appt is to a psychiatrist. Hopefully he'll diagnose everything right and I can use his diagnoise to prove that...that...she made me sick for her own pleasure...and that no one did anything...because they didn't want to deal with her. It was easier for me to deal with her buy saying yes to everything...everything.
Okay, on a much brighter note-because I have two babies and can't fall back into depression. I am trying to finish my skirt and am going to start working on a jacket for my DH and if I finish it on time will enter it in a crochet contest for men's wear. Wish me luck!

Finished Projects

2006-09-11T05:31:00.000-06:00

Okay, I made this bracelet purse two days ago to match the duster I made for myself last year. I still have some yarn left over and I don't know if I'll make pockets for the duster or what. Well, at least having left over yarn doesn't hurt anyone! LOL

Here is a pic of a greeting card I made. I'm going to use these as m
personal cards but would also love to sell them to anyone interested. I'm going to make them with the different stitches and items one usually crochets and with different color thread and backgrounds. I'd love to find some crochet quotes to add to them.

This is the dress I made for Iva about 3 weeks ago. I'm pretty sure it won't fit anymore but she looked so cute it was well worth it. I can't imagine what she'll think in 20 years when she finds this in her trunk.

I tried to take a pic of my charm necklace, but its all out of focus so I'll figure out another way to post one.
Today we went to Bookman's while Dani was at his music class. I found the book Sickened. The authors name is Julie. She survived a mentally ill mother too. For some reason as I read the story and compare it to my own, and find so many similarities, I have to keep reminding myself that it is not a work of fiction. It is true. It happened. It continues to happen. I wish there was some way that I could do something to help all those people realize, as I have that we are special and loved and worthy and safe.

On another note, I was thinking of making an afghan with the flags of all the countries of the world and sending it to Congress as a reminder that this world is made up of immigrants simply because we all travel and we would want Americans to be welcomed in other countries and therefore should welcome all foreigners. My parents are immigrants as is my husband. Many families are made up of immigrants and we shouldn't forget that.

It's here!

2006-09-09T22:24:00.000-06:00

Last Tuesday we went to Ben Bridge jewelries and ordered a crochet hook charm and today we went to pick it up it is so cute! I think its something like 1 mm in size. When I found out I was going to have a daughter I knew that I needed something to remind me daily that I am going to overcome this because I am Zoraida, not Irene. So I decide to make something for myself that I had always wanted. A charm necklace. So far I have 5 charms. My birthstone, Topaz. The year 2003. The year I graduated high school and married Dani, basically, the year I started living. A movable teddy bear, because I love them, who doesn't love to cuddle with a teddy bear? A graduation cap, because I will get my degree first in arts and then in psychology. And now, my crochet hook, because its therapeutic, and through crochet I realized that I am creative and that I can and that I am and my craft is worth spending $6 or $7 a skein.
Next will be a chocolate or a chocolate bar actually, I'd love to find a kiss! I am a chocaholic and will never reform but do readily admit to not being able to survive without chocolate.
Last night I was holding Iva and kissing her and telling her how much I love her. We were smiling at each other when ... it occurred to me that mi mama never kissed me or held me or even loved me with so much honest and sincere love. That got me depressed and crying. She just gave birth to me because that way she could be sure that she'd always have someone to watch over her and be with her ... which means to put up with her. Una buena hija is NEVER disrespectful of her mama or her papa. She spent my whole life telling me that I was sick and that she was the only person who would be by my side and I believed her and then after so much of her repeating it daily, I believed her. Now, a neurologist, who I told to diagnose me only by what the tests say and not what my medical history says thinks its Cerebral Palsy. And my OB/GYN was the one that told me that my mom suffers from Mauchasen by Proxy. Funny thing no on has figured it out. She is 62 years old and no one believes that she is mentally ill, mostly because they can't put up with her long enough to have a decent conversation with her.
Anyway, enough about the past. I have my beautiful angels and that is what matters.

Fashion

2006-09-09T03:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, so after 18 years of mi mama dressing me like I was a nun and 3 years of wearing what Dani likes, al fin I've figured out that I like vintage/modern/distressed sometimes preppy fashion. For example, I like vintage cut clothes made with modern materials and patterms and emblished in a simple manner. No quiero que the embellishments or the pattern to take away from the style. Here is a picture of a shirt I bought and embelished tonight. Okay, the pic came out sideways. Oh well.
Actually, I think I always knew I liked vintage, I was just never allowed to wear it. I am having wo much fun making accesories and embelishing the clothes I buy. Can you believe that I never knew that ebelishing was an option? And its so much cheaper! Plus, its always exactly what I like and what I want.

On another note, I ordered a crochet hook charm to add to my neckalace.They called me from the jewelery store to tell me that it had arrived. We're going to pick it up tomorrow. Now all I have to do is fix the chain. It got caught on the changing table and one of the rings split, so I'm going to change that ring for another. Dani was like just buy another. I said why, I'll just fix it and buy something else with that money. He laughed.

And on another note, my creativity is flowing and I'm having trouble keeping up with it. I'm going to make note cards with snowflakes on them for our Xmas greeting. And I am planning on making the decorations this year. I'm going to try to make them in such a way that I can continue to use them year round. I hope I have time. Actually, I've been finishing them pretty fast. All I have to do is actually sit down and work on them.

Well, I'm going to go back to crocheting now.

Knitting

2006-09-06T05:37:00.000-06:00

Yeah!
I've finally taught myself how to knit. We went to a local yarn shop about three weeks ago and there was a lady there knitting, Dani watched her for a while and then looked at different garmentst and bags that were on display. He got it in to his head that I should learn. Cree me, I tried.Years ago a bought a pair of needles, mama wasn't happy about the wasted money. I checked out a book from the library and tried. But, no luck.
Bueno, I thought about it and watched a movie on how to knit online www.knittinghelp.com I actually watched parts of the movie twice, it kept getting stuck. I sat down two days ago with mi papi, he showed me what he remembered, which was the knit stitch, I was surprised considering his mama taught him when he was a boy and I doubt he practiced much after he left Peru. I practiced and then gave up. I either droped or added stitches. Cuando me frusto no logro nada.
Then today I felt like I could do it. So, I sat down and fumbled. I had no idea what to do with a needle in each hand. I figured, if I'm going to learn, I have to figure out how to hold them. And once I was comfortable, the stitches just happened.
I asked Dani porque he was so sure I could learn, he was willing to pay for private instruction! I figure if I teach myself, I can use the money he would have spent on classes on something else! LOL. Dani dijo "When I met you me enamore de tu voz. I knew that the woman who owned that voice would accomplish everything she wanted and would do much in this world." No one had ever said that to me. You can. Tu puedes. And you know, I can believe him, because I did and I have.

On another note, I was talking to Iva this morning, I kept repeating over and over how much I love her and I think she felt it because she grinned from ear to ear. If she could have laughed she would have she was so happy. Juro, Papa Dios must have looked down on earth and seen how much I wanted to be a mom and thought to Himself, Zoraida has gone throuth so much that I think I'll pick two of my most beautiful, inteligent and obedient angels and send them to her as bebitos. These kids are my angels. Daniel is my dream come true and Iva is my surprise.

IvaDeimari

2006-09-05T14:24:00.000-06:00

My nina is six weeks old. She is becoming alert and responsive. When I sit her in the swing, she looks up where the lights are at as if saying "I'm waiting." She looks around when I pick her up and she loves to grin at me when I talk to her. She is such a beautiful baby. Esta engordando. I know that she is healthy. I was so afraid of her. I didn't know what I would do with a little girl. I thought that I'd hurt her like mi mama had hurt me. Pero yo decido. Every day I decide that I am going to be the best mother that I can be. Los voy a disfrutar. I will overcome my pain inorder to enjoy my new life.

Be Creative

2006-09-02T03:50:00.000-06:00

One way that I was able to overcome this trauma was to be creative. Mi mama always told me that I would never accomplish something, that I wasn't good at anything. She always told me not to waste my time or her money on my attempts at creativity.
When I was 8 years old, my dad came back from Peru. He brought back with him some steel crochet hooks. He sat me down one day and taught me how to chain and to do a double crochet stitch. I loved it. I would sit and make strips of acrylic yarn. Siempre me decia a mi misma I'll eventually sew them together and make myself a blanket. But what she told me, esas palabras, stuck with me and so I didn't. I never sewed them together. Ni se donde estan.
It took Dani three years, but I've finished a few crochet projects. Primero, he had to convince me that I could do more than just strips. Despues, he had to convince me to spend the money on myself (she would by me the cheapest yarn at the store and if it was a thrift store even better because she wouldn't waste that much money. Now Dani buys me whatever I want or need, as long as the texture is nice for the finished project. He cares about mi projecto mas que su billetera). Y then that I could be creative. Finalmente, that I could finish a project.
That's how I first made a purse, despues another, I bought some handles and incorporated them into my designs. Hize a shawl for his mama, and two scarves for his papa. Then a coat for me, and a blanket for mi hijo, a coat for his mama(pictured above). A dress for mi hija, ahora I joined an exchange.
Y me convenci a mi misma que si puedo. I did it. I finished something. And not just anything. I've made things that have people talking. They love my work. La familia de mi espozo actually talked to me instead of down to me. They appreciate me now. And all it took was me appreciating myself first. Now, I want to make or embellish everything! Now I know that I can be creative porque sabes I don't even use patterns. I work as I go and if I make a mistake I frog it.
Crocheting is relaxing and therapeutic. I tried learning to sew. Pero la tela ya esta hecha. Having the cloth or fabric already made takes the fun out of making the garmet. We live in a warm climate and so yarn is not very logical for clothing. Entonces, I use thread. Making a mistake gives me that much more time with my "therapist." And so I don't mind. It keeps me sane, literalmente.
I love making things. Everything. Absolutamente todo. Which is probably why I have two kids LOL. I can. She was wrong. Si puedo porque ya lo pude. Otherwise, why would Papa Dios have made me. El no se equivoca. He would never have made a mistake. God doesn't belive in frogging.

Why

2006-08-11T07:59:00.000-06:00

I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. I am happy.
That is why I can do whatever I want to do however I want to do it and when I want to do it.

This is something that I have been repeating to myself. I tell myselfthat I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. I am happy.
I tell myself inthe morning, at night, after lunch, and everytime I feel discouraged orafraid. I learned that I can stop a panick attack by telling myselfthis over and over again. I think it was last Janurary or Feburary thatI woke up in the middle of the night. I was scared to death of beging amom, again, especially to a little girl. Por alguna rason, the only thing thatcame to my mind at that moment was I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy.I am happy. Those words just kept going over and over in my mind. Theysoothed me enough to finally go back to sleep. Those words havecontinued to soothe me. They keep me sane and encouraged.
And now,three and a half years later, I can finally believe them.
Dani could never understand why I couldn't believe him when he'd tell me that he loved me or that nothing could hurt me otra vez,or that me lo meresco after he'd give me a present. But when your mamatells you every chance she gets, and if she doesn't get thechance she'd make it, that she doesn't love you, that you are not worththe air you breathe, that you will never be safe because your own body,as well as the rest of the world is against you existing and thatbecause of that you will never be happy. You start to believe her.Especially when she has made sure that she is the only peson you havecontact with. Other than the TV.
Plus, isn't mi mama the person that cares for me and loves me all the time. She is like La Virgen Maria. She has suffered so much with her only daughter who is always so ill, she would never lie to me.
But, she did, every day of my life she lied, and now, I know.

Please Remember

2006-08-08T23:51:00.000-06:00

Dear America,
For years I've watched as you have grown and developed. I've seen you age and in the process, mature. I've watched you grow and watched your children do the same. I've watched you leave this land, sometimes forever.
Mostly, I've been a witness to your arrival. I've watched you come from other lands, settle and become a stable and productive part of that which was already here. I've looked on as you arrived crossing land and sea for your dreams. I've heard you speak of those dreams and I've seen them written down so that they may not be forgotten. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. My pride swells when I look ahead at the same passage and find those powerful words, "all men are created equal."
I have cried tears of joy when you remember those words so long ago printed carefully into history and with open arms accepted your newly arrived brethren.
I have cried bitter tears of sorrow when you, my dear sweet America, have forgotten those words and the fact that you too arrived looking not only for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but most importantly of equality. I've prayed that you would never again forget that you, America, have been erected on the backs of immigrants just like you and I.
I've watched as you have treated each other and I have stood, tall and strong for one hundred and twenty years hoping to remind you, that even I which by so many have been considered a symbol of freedom, just like your flag and country, I too, crossed the sea in hopes of being an everlasting reminder to you, my America, that we have all left our land for a better future. I hope to proudly stand as a guide and beacon to you that we all arrive and depart, the only thing we leave behind is the way in which we treated our fellow man.
Love,
Lady Liberty

I wrote this piece on April 26,2006 as my response to the immigration situation we are currently living in our country.

Opening up

2006-08-08T21:13:00.000-06:00

It has been very difficult for me to accept the truth. I didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be true. Una Mama doesn't do that to her kids. Especially not when she supuestamente suffered so much to become a mama. When I was first told that una mama doesn't do that I was in shock. Mi mama did. But when I became a mama I was out of my mind. I thought que I would do the same thing to my son because that was all that I knew. It took me almost two years to figure out that that is not so. When I learned that I was pregnant otra vez I was devistated. I was just figuring out this maternidad thing, now with two! And when the tech said the baby was una niña, I broke down until my daughter was born. The minute I held her I knew. doesn't do that. That means that I don't have Una Mamauna mama. But I am una mama.
I will help my niños learn and develop. Yo no los lastimare. I will not make them lie to anyone. I will make sure that they are feliz and healthy, curious and compasionate. Mas que nada, I will teach them that love is free. If ever anyone tells you that they will no longer love you if, I will teach them to run from that relationship. The price of love does not inflate. Papa Dios said that love is free and He should know. Afterall, He is love.