I am still here

I have been recovering. I have been studying. I have been working. I have been mothering- me above all. I have been progresing. I have been diagnosed with Disociative Identity Disorder caused because of Post Partum Disorder. I don't know how else to recover. I was doing well and then I was triggered- just as if I was a bomb. My newest diagnosis and a snooping cop. The crime is still unknown, but the bomb went off anyway. And I am left - again- alone to pick up the pieces. Somehow I will. How, I don't know. But I will, I always do.

How Things Are

I have been having trouble posting, lots of reasons why. One, my computer hard drive died. It will be fixed, but it will take about 3 weeks. Right now I am using Davids laptop. School is okay. Three classes are boring. One class has a teacher with an inferiority complex who tried to get me out of her class. I think this is comical because she used to teach at a high school for the gifted, that I almost got into, missed it by one point. Anyway, I am pretty sure that classes won't get better, so I have made myself the idea that I am doing this for a piece of paper. I will someday study with others who may teach me more. For now I suppose I shall be content.
We are doing better, but for now I will call my DD by her nickname Mariposa, it hurts a little less that way.
Work is going well, I finally figured out all the uses of the calculator, I have come a long way in learning. And finish my work in two hours, I am there for four. I get bored. I get bored very easily. I want a challenge. I think the biggest challenge I have is trying to finish my bag without mistakes! Sorry Cherrie, I can't concentrate to knit and purl. Either I knit or I purl and then I have to fix my mistakes. My mind is not all here, but it isn't really wondering either. I don't know where it is, I do hope it will come back. Soon. Very soon.
Oh, by the way, I went out and bought myself 5 shirts and didn't think twice. I love them! And I actually enjoyed the whole shopping experience. It was fun! I walked through the store grabbing the shirts I liked, and then I got the ones I liked the most and I want to go back. I started wearing make up daily and I feel pretty. I am exercising during the evening.
And I am over the most embarrassing thing mi mama did, when I get my keyboard back I'll write more. I am about to break this one. Lord, when you get used to something its really hard to get over it.

Goddies!

My dad came over and asked me what the box was doing outside. I asked him what box? And so he brought in my goodies from the international tote exchange. There were two books, Pursenalitis and Blus Smoke, my Purese! of course! (Thank you! I love it and the embelishments are great!) There were some pens and a red planner and a some post it notes shaped like a butterfly! and some beautiful hand soap and foot masage gel! (trust me, I will be using that tonight) and a calculator! Thank you Debbie Brown! Oh, and I almost forgot, a beautiful necklace. I'll get some pictures up soon.

We are doing better, I think Dani is having a harder time than I am. I've accepted the fact that I can't change the fact that I still have my baby and Tonia doesn't, I can just be there for her. We went to the wake last Sunday night. Dani played the piano the whole night, while they prayed and cried. The next morning everyone went to the funeral and I decied to come home instead, I was tired. I wanted to go today, but I am still tired.

I was shocked to learn that his middle name was Ivan. About three months before my DD was born I got it in my head that I wanted to name her Iva. No clue why. I'd never heard it before and plus, I was searching for a Mayan name. And her name had been decided long before she was made. Deimari. But then, I really wanted to name her Iva, and then Dani decided that he wanted to name her Miakoda. But I could not give my daughter three names, so I put two together, IvaDeimari. Iva, feminine for Ivan. Variation of John. Meaning either God is good or the greates gift from God. Gianni- Italian for John- my son's name.

Like they say, God works in misterious ways.

Work is going well. I do too much work with numbers. Last night was the orientation for school. I met a few class mates. There are two other people that are starting fashion design with me. I will be taking 13 credits in ten weeks. That fact is scaring me. I used to take 13 credits in 18 months. Now, my time is reduced to ten weeks. And I still have to go to work and take care of my cubs and the house, and work with my hubby. I don't know how I am going to pull it all off. I just know that I have to find a way. This is where the organizer I got earlier will come in handy! And those pens. I know that I have a note book here somewhere from two semesters ago ... maybe that was three semesters ago, anyway, I am ready, I am just waiting for 5 o'clock Monday evening to roll around.

Thank You For Prayers

 

Thank you Tracey for all your prayers. And to everyone that is also praying for us. This is a difficult time and we are trying to grasp the bit of good that we can find in this situation. Thank you. I will write more when I feel up to it.

Nicholas Miranda

Our Father placed Nicholas Miranda in the loving arms of Tonia and Tin on July 24, 2004. He was loved and cared for by not only two wonderful parents but five brothers and sisters. However, Our Father needed an extra special angel to complete His coir.  And so, Nicholas was called back to His Father on March 6, 2007. He will be remembered and loved as long as we live. Nicholas, you made a great impact on our lives in the short time you shared this earthly world with us, and we know that we will see you in the spiritual world, soon.

Calling All Prayers

To everyone and anyone that reads this, I ask of you to please pray with us for my seven month old nephew Nicholas who had a small heart attack this morning and in now in the hospital. His parents and 5 siblings are with him, praying for him. He has opened his eyes and moved his hand, the outcome humanly speaking doesn't look good, but we all know that God can perform miracles. That is why I humbly ask you to pray to God- Whatever you may call him- to please save this little boys life. He is very dear to me. Not just ' cause he's 3 days younger than my Iva, but because his parents are my favorite in laws. Thank you. God, please, return his health to him.

End of SP9

Last Tuesday I got a GREAT package in the mail. YARN! BOOKS! TEA! CHOCOLATE! Who could ask for anything more?

Thank you Tracey! Sorry I haven't posted lately, Blogger won't let me. So, I decided to use this "blog this" button I downloaded for IE7.

I LOVE the yarn and the colors! And the texture! And I started reading the book as soon as I stopped petting the yarn. Haven't tasted the tea yet, but if it tastes like it smells, I know I'll love it.

Another reason why I haven't posted is that I went got that job I'd talked about before. The owner was waiting for my DD to be able to stay with a sitter, and so he fired the other girl-for other reasons- and hired me. 

Actually, I saw the box when I arrived from work, it feel nice to say that. Dani and Daniel had already opened it, but as soon as they saw/felt the yarn they closed it back up.LOL Curiosity...

I also donated blood for the first time on Tuesday. It felt very rewarding to know that I was helping someone somewhere. 

Wednesday  I didn't go to work because I finally got private therapy and not the pshchiatrist that give the drugs, and that was very taxing emotionally. First I was nervous and anxious, and then I was... I made myself feel nothing 'cause I still had to take Daniel to the Dr.'s and pick up, drop off and pick up DH. Then I snapped, I couldn't take it anymore. I cried and cried in the car. Dani tried to help. But really, nothing helped, I finally came in fed, changed my kids, hugged and played with them and then turned in. Today has been more of the same... doing 'cause I have to and not not 'cause I want to. Work was good, lots of math and basic logic stuff. The lady that is "training" me, just has me do it all... and she talks so much its distracting. I hope I'll be left on my own  soon, 'cause actually, this isn't her job either, so she doesn't really know what she's doing. She's the night restaurant manager, not the office manager.

And school starts in 18 days, I am so excited! And nervous! And every other emotion you can think of.

Hope your days are better.

Thanks Tracey!