I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. I am happy.
That is why I can do whatever I want to do however I want to do it and when I want to do it.
This is something that I have been repeating to myself. I tell myselfthat I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. I am happy.
I tell myself inthe morning, at night, after lunch, and everytime I feel discouraged orafraid. I learned that I can stop a panick attack by telling myselfthis over and over again. I think it was last Janurary or Feburary thatI woke up in the middle of the night. I was scared to death of beging amom, again, especially to a little girl. Por alguna rason, the only thing thatcame to my mind at that moment was I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy.I am happy. Those words just kept going over and over in my mind. Theysoothed me enough to finally go back to sleep. Those words havecontinued to soothe me. They keep me sane and encouraged.
And now,three and a half years later, I can finally believe them.
Dani could never understand why I couldn't believe him when he'd tell me that he loved me or that nothing could hurt me otra vez,or that me lo meresco after he'd give me a present. But when your mamatells you every chance she gets, and if she doesn't get thechance she'd make it, that she doesn't love you, that you are not worththe air you breathe, that you will never be safe because your own body,as well as the rest of the world is against you existing and thatbecause of that you will never be happy. You start to believe her.Especially when she has made sure that she is the only peson you havecontact with. Other than the TV.
Plus, isn't mi mama the person that cares for me and loves me all the time. She is like La Virgen Maria. She has suffered so much with her only daughter who is always so ill, she would never lie to me.
But, she did, every day of my life she lied, and now, I know.
That is why I can do whatever I want to do however I want to do it and when I want to do it.
This is something that I have been repeating to myself. I tell myselfthat I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. I am happy.
I tell myself inthe morning, at night, after lunch, and everytime I feel discouraged orafraid. I learned that I can stop a panick attack by telling myselfthis over and over again. I think it was last Janurary or Feburary thatI woke up in the middle of the night. I was scared to death of beging amom, again, especially to a little girl. Por alguna rason, the only thing thatcame to my mind at that moment was I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy.I am happy. Those words just kept going over and over in my mind. Theysoothed me enough to finally go back to sleep. Those words havecontinued to soothe me. They keep me sane and encouraged.
And now,three and a half years later, I can finally believe them.
Dani could never understand why I couldn't believe him when he'd tell me that he loved me or that nothing could hurt me otra vez,or that me lo meresco after he'd give me a present. But when your mamatells you every chance she gets, and if she doesn't get thechance she'd make it, that she doesn't love you, that you are not worththe air you breathe, that you will never be safe because your own body,as well as the rest of the world is against you existing and thatbecause of that you will never be happy. You start to believe her.Especially when she has made sure that she is the only peson you havecontact with. Other than the TV.
Plus, isn't mi mama the person that cares for me and loves me all the time. She is like La Virgen Maria. She has suffered so much with her only daughter who is always so ill, she would never lie to me.
But, she did, every day of my life she lied, and now, I know.
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