So, I went to bed early (any one that know me should know that I don't
go to sleep early) because I couldn't keep my eyes open. that was
around 8:30. Now I can't fall back asleep. Flashbacks.
My whole life she told me how I'd never amount to anything. She'd tell me that I was good for nothing. She'd tell me that I was an ingrate. She took care of me all that time, took me to the drs and to those appts and tests and that all that I put her through making her worry and her not knowing if I'd survive. Her with her sleepless nights. She'd tell me that being creative was a waste of time and money. She wouldn't let me use the material that I'd buy with the coins that I saved. She would tear me down and never let me think that I was good enough. An A wasn't good enough. When I knew the answers, she'd tell me that I was an i
rrespectful little ingrate and that I thougt that I was better than
everyone because I knew it all. She made me feel worthless and after 18 years of hearing it at all hours of the day (her bed time is 2 am ... if she can shut up) I believed her. I had no other choice. She knew how to manipulate me. She'd tear me down and then say something like "It's my cross to bear. At some point I did something wrong in this life and so God gave me you, to take care of. Sick, ungrateful you. But that
s okay becase even though no one will ever want you I'll always be here for you." and she'd follow that with a hug. Her few hugs at just the right moments. I wasn't allowed to get close to anyone. I was only allowed to talk and be with her. She's intentionally and behind my back sabotage any and every
relationship I'd creat-teachers, friends, counselors, doctors. She'd be on
the phone making up lies, and I realized it the next time I saw them
and they treated me differently. People would keep me away from me.
I was contagious. And she was the illness. Always...
So, now after 4 years, I am told that I would be an asset to the Design School and that I am creative, by people that are not my DH or my dad, or my friends ( all 3 of them!) I was told by the head of the finance dept. that I was an inspiration to him ( well, technically he said that my hubby and I were) but it felt nice. I was surprised! I was overwelmed and I was ... how do I say this, I belived them. I belived them the first time they said it. I didn't need to be convinced. I... I don't know how, but I have come a long way.
Dios mio will the memories never end? Will I ever be able to forget?
3 comments:
I'm so incredibly excited for you and so very proud of you! Keep up the great work!
You may never forget the past, but the pain will lessen has you build more good memories and be successful in new things that you try. Good luck with design school. It's quite a success to be accepted for a design program!!! Good luck with school!
OK, I'm an idiot! I just realized that I just sent my last comment with my name and blog address. Oh well! Surprise! It's an early revelation, I'm your Secret Pal!
I am so proud of you. Design School! Wow! That is just amazing, I hope you will keep posting as you start this new chapter in your life. That is just great. Congratulations. And guess what, your mom can't call me and lie to me, I like you, and I made that decision based on the words you have put on this blog from your heart. You are an incredibly interesting person and YOU ARE creative! I look forward to reading about all your future successes.
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