My Doll

 Technically she's for Iva, but until she's done she's mine.Ever since she saw the doll she's been trying to take it and now, its done. I think I worked on her for 3 days. Maybe four. Mostly at night. I still have to decide what length her hair will be and hide my ends and make her face -but I can't find my yarn needle, I stuck it in with my pens cause I didn't wand Iva to get it and now I can't find it. I also have to put her nose on. I don't want to put a face on her because I want Iva to decide with her imagination what she looks like. But Dani insits that she needs a face. So, we'll see once I find that needle. I also think that it might help them to know that their dolls don't have eyes -like their dad. I don't know if they are even aware of the fact that Dani can't see. I do know that they are more verbal with him and more facially expressive with me. Sometimes Daniel says that papa can't do something and Dani always proves him wrong. I like that. Nothing is ever what it seems.

Awareness Colors

I had decided that I was going to make my own bag or tote for school, but I still hadn't come up with a design yet. Then two days ago, I came up with the style and then today, when my creative self returned I knew the design. I want to incorporate ribbons of awareness into the design. So I went to this index of colors for all causes. There I found a few colors that I am going to use, green, lime green, teal, red, orange, yellow, navy blue and purple. I think I'll use cream or tan for the background color. But I am still undecided- curling ribbon or felted for my medium? In Mexico there is this stuff called rafia that is somewhat like curling ribbon that I might use. I used this link to make graphs of the ribbon. I did a knit one and a crochet one, see, I plan on making a lot of these. I can give them out since I don't have the courage yet to talk, I can still help.

Yesterday I chatted with my neice with MSN messenger and a web cam for the first time. It is so weird to think I have two nieces I've never met. And they are 30! LOL

I saw my sister for a little while and they saw my kids, but I didn't see my brother, he was already asleep. They seem okay. But looks can be decieving.

Well, I have  crocheted dolls to finish, I'll post pics tomorrow if I finally get them done.

Alexis and Viviana Gonzalez Villavicencio

This is a "wanted ad" I am looking for my brother and sister. They would be of Peruvian decent born in California-probably Berkley about 35 to 45 years ago. Thank you for any help you can provide.

ranting

So, last Sunday, Carmen came over and David did his homework and his teacher liked it and I guess that started a friendship. Carmen came over last Wed and again today, we went shopping with her kids and with my kids and hubby, I swear,there were time when there were two adults and 5 kids! Dani went to the park this morning with them too. Seems that Carmen has been impressed by me and that surprises me. I never felt worth admiration. Anyway, I've been out of it, I think its cause we (Dani talked and I listened) about me and my baggage, and he told me that he's been doing his own research on the subject and thinks that I am ... it is more sever than what we thought and that knocked the air out of me. He thinks that I have more problems and he says that I am barely becoming ''fellow citizen" and I am working on becoming a productive citizen, and that really shocked me.
Plus, my DD is working on her first tooth and crawling and I know that my last baby is growing up and I don't like it, but at the same time I am really enjoying this discovering and sharing phase that my son is in and I know that I will continue to enjoy it with my daugheter, but I really love this infant phase, my baby isn't my baby and neither is Daniel. I feel like my nest is empty and my branch is much too small. I have no idea how I'll fell when my tree is empty...much less when they go to school!
On another note, I am working on my i-cord and will go for the yarn tomorrow. Boy that i-cord is boring! Its my first and my last if I can get out of them. I want to make a laptop case for David and maybe a tote bag for me, I like a few in the Fabulous Felted Bags book I have, but I'd have to come up with new designs. Oh ya, I made a doll for my Daniel and he's not that into it. Oh well, I had fun.
Happy Presiden'ts day- I remembered because a comercial just came on tv!

I am almost halfway done throught the first side of my bag for the International Tote Exchange 3 
and I have 10 of the 24 embelishments made. I am stuck because I am waiting for my last color 
to arrive so that I can continue working.  While I wait I have decided that I want to make
another bag from the book of patterns I got for this bag, and if my math serves, I'll have a bit of
yarn left over- so I can buy another skein and start on the base and sides of my current bag and then I'll have
more than enough yarn left over to make a bag for me. Do you think I can convince my hubby that
this new skein is for the current bag? Or  should I just get it and not tell him where it came from? 

On another note, last Sunday a woman who attended the church I grew up in came over so that her
son could use my computer for his Science Fair Project. Anyway, Dani has been telling them all a
little about my past and they are all shocked, and she asked and well, I told her, I didn't get into a lot of detail, but I skimed over most of it. She confessed that one day they were making dinner and she told my mom that it was easier/better to do it "this" way and mi mama looked at her and humiliated her and frightened her so much that she never approached mi mama again. And yet, she left me in her care. She did nothing. And these are the people that I am supposed to call brother and sister and teach my cubs to respecet, these are the people that are suppose to become my community. I can't just yet, I can be civil, I learned that from my books. But I can't be that cold, I can't and honestly I don't want to. Before she left she hugged me and told me that she couldn't believe how strong I was to survive 18 years of "that." And that I had to keep going for my cubs, but before our conversation my Dani was the hero because he decided to marry me  "dispite my illness that had made me a cripple"-even though she(they) never took the time to verify, they ate up her lies and yet, they had me pegged.  And now, I am again pittied, I think that I liked it more when they hated me for having "caught" Dani. When you know him, you'll understand.

As I read this comment it clicked. All this time I've been thinking "Why did God let me go through this? Why didn't He care if He's supposed to be my heavenly Fater!"
~Hey there girl, I read your post yesterday and thought, I need to think about this and pray about this before I send you a comment.~ 
Thank you, I honestly haven't been seeking God, but He 
always finds a way to let me know He is thinking of me and caring for me.
~You have some very powerful emotions moving through you right now. I know you are hurt, I know it's hard to forgive, and I'm not saying you should forgive your mom right now, but I am telling you that by holding that hate inside you, it will eat you alive. It is far better to forgive and let go. Please do not think I am judging you, I am not, because I have been in that place of unforgiveness too. It takes time.~
Thank you for recognizing that I have a right to these feelings. I know that my Dani believes me and acknowledges my feelings, but it is wonderful to know that others understand me too.
~I think that your family and church stood by and watched what was happening in horror. Sometimes, when we see something so wrong and unjust...you just freeze, you want to help, but you are scared, powerless. Could it be that your family did nothing, said nothing out of fear of your mother? I cannot say, whether their actions are justifiable or not, God is their judge. ~
This is where it clicked. God didn't just stand by, He put people in the position to help me and they didn't. THEY didn't. God didn't let me down, EVER. After all, when my Grandpa-her dad-tried to help, she called the cops, why would anyone else want to get involved, THEY didn't care that I was at her mercy. THEY have never understood how a mother could do this to her child, that's part of my culture-a mother is just under God, most times, above Him.
~I prayed for you today, and God put this Psalm into my head right away.

Psalm 43:

Declare me innocent, O God! Defend me against these ungodly people. Rescue me from these unjust liars.

For you are God, my only safe haven. Why have you tossed me aside? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies? Send out your light and your truth, let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God-the source of all my joy. I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again-my savior and my God.~
And this brought it all home. Thank you Tracey, He used you to finally get me to understand, actually, lately, there's been alot of enlightenment.

~Zoraida, I do know that you are working so hard to overcome this and I am so proud of you. Please reach out to the those around you that DO care, you cannot walk this road alone. I cannot tell you enough how much God loves you and wants to lead you away from this hurt, you will find more peace and love in Him than you have ever known. Trust in him.

I hope that today your heartache is not so deep. You are in my prayers, Tracey~
 I want to get better so bad, its inside me not like a cold where you know that in two weeks you'll get better and the sneezing and runny nose will go away. This doesn't have a time limit or symptoms that you can control or stop. The anxiety happens at any moment and the flashbacks come whenever they want. There are days that I don't sleep because I am afraid of what I will dream. Mental illness is real, just as real a the common cold and just as common. There are days where I can't stand to be near anyone-cubs and hubby included and there are days when I don't want to be alone. They are suymptoms and they will go away, because I will get better, I don't know when, I just know I will. I don't plan to forgive, I can't think about that yet, but the need for revenge isn't in me anymore. Just the need to be heard and for everyone that was there, that IS revenge. I need to get it all out of me in order to get better and if they didn't care then then ther is no reason for them to care now. I am tired. If they didn't confront her to save themselves, then they can't ask me to forgive her and I won't bite my tongue anymore. It hurts a million times more to keep it all inside me. And I won't 'cause then I won't get better.
Thank you Tracey, and thank you God for looking out for me and tugging on my ear to make me listen. Thank you.

I will

I have been trying to install a  2.0 USB card in my computer, but I have 
been unable to install the drivers. I bought the first one from Circuit City 
and the second one from Best Buy, and they both have the same software. 
So, this evening I will be returning the second one I bought and have run out of options as to where to get one that will work. Such frustration! I can't upload my pics if I don't have the 2.0.
And on another note, I saw my uncle today. I haven't seen him in about a
year, he lives in Springfield. Sadly, I  was disappointed to see him. First of all, most of the time we talked about my kids and then it was that uncomfortable dead silence. He told me to forgive her and to remember that I only have one mother, and to aspire to be like God-forgiving. I told him that I would not forgive-I don't believe in that and that honestly, I don't want to be like God-that ambition got Lucifer into a lot of trouble. And it was then, that moment that I realized that I was born into a world that didn't care about me. No one would have saved me, simply because no one cared, I had always thought that IF I had had the courage to tell him the truth he would have saved me, but he told me today that mi mama es mi mama. And it hurts, it hurts so much that my Daniel has felt my heart break and is at this moment sitting in my lap with his arms around my neck and his head in the way. Now, 22 years after my birth there are people that care about me. But 22 years too late, they can't fix my liver,stomach, or kidney that have been almost shot by all the drugs she got the doctors to prescibe even though they knew that the tests alwas said I was healthy. Not the nurses that would give them to me while I was in school, and not the enormous church community I spent 6 years growing up in. No one cared, because they didn't want to confront her. Even my family just sat by and watched. My own father washed his hands. If mi mama was going to claim me as a dependent on her income taxes, then she could do what she wanted with me. And she did. And no one wants to listen. And I don't care. I won't keep the truth within me anymore! I will finish what I have started, I will speak. And I will get better without them and I will be everything they never thought I would be. I will accomplish all my dreams, afterall, I already jumped the biggest 
hurdle, learning to dream.

progress

Two weeks ago my group therapy session was about asking for help. Today I did just that and I 
am very proud of myself! David called to ask if we were at home, see, yesterday Dani and I went 
with him so that he could buy a laptop. And he wanted to come over to use the internet at my 
house. I said yeah we're here, then I asked him where he was at and he said that he was at his 
aunt's house, and why? And I  said 'cause I was going to ask you to stop and get a card at the 
computer store. He's like sure what kind? And that was how I asked for help -well a favor. And the  best part is that I didn't even think about it! I just did it.
Last week we talked about taking care of ourselves and last night when I told Dani that I needed to
learn to develop the skills to take care of myself so that I can convince myself that I am worth of being cared for he told me that he was going to help me and that the first thing we had to do is to make our environment nurturing so that I could learn to take care of myself. So today we got rid of a bookcase that we had left right in front of the door on a previous attempt to move it out and because of its position in the house it had become a catch all. So we emptied it out and got rid of it. Then, we put my computer on the big desk -which was supposed to be for Dani's desktop, but because its now a laptop, he doesn't need that much room. And in the process we decided to put 
in a 2.0 usb into my computer and somehow, my keyboard and mouse -which are bluetooth got 
disconected and now I can't use it-until David brings his keyboard and mouse so that I can re- install mine. So, he let me borrow his laptop. David is like my brother,Alexis Gonzalez. I've been looking for him all my life, my big brother, and without my knowledge I found my little brother, not because of blood, but becase he has decided to be my friend and that gives him the place of my brother. He was the one that took Daniel to the hospital the day that Iva was born and he was the one that gave Dani and Daniel rides to and from the hospital and dinner. David made late night runs for us when I was getting better and before Iva was born. He would come over every other day just to make sure that Iva and I were doing well. I have never in my life met someone who was so kind and considerate.

Not myself

 and I honestly haven't been for a few days. I've been trying to pretend to be so for a while, but I've had no luck. Today is worse. I couldn't get out of bed this morning. Its a good thing Dani's Mon/Wed class was canceled or I don't know what I would have done with my cubs. Finally, I got up and put the living room in order and then I took a long almost 30 minute shower. That made me feel a little better. But I am still not me. I don't know what to do. Today I barely made it to Group- mostly because I kept procrastinating. Group didn't help, the theme today was "taking care of oneself"-but I did take solace knowing that everyone in Group was having a awful day.  I can't pinpoint what is wrong. I know that I am worried about work- we haven't been making a profit for the past two months. So,  money is an issue -but just part of it. The other is that I start school in March and who will 
take care of my cubs for me? Especially since I don't trust anyone  I don't know what the rest of it is, but I can't sleep- flashbacks. And I can't get motivated to start or finish any of my projects. The ITE3 just started and I thought that that would get me out of my slup, but it hasn't. I like my partners and I have an idea of the colors I am going to use and the shape of the purse I want - not how I am going to incorporate those colors, but that doesn't matter because I still don't have the yarn.
I don't know how to describe what I am feeling and what makes it worse is that Dani is getting very frustrated with me. He thinks that I am purposly not telling him something. He doesn't understand that emotionally my devolopment and consecuently vocabulary is not as mature as it should be. I think I'm just a little older than Daniel in that area- I know what "no" means and I know how to share-LOL-. I know that I am depressed and unmotivated, but I don't know how to name the rest of what I feel. I need a thesarus and a dictionary-LOL.

update

Today I am adding another person to my community: Tracy at http://fuzzybritches.wordpress.com/.

About Saul, he may come back, but he has to cross three countries before he arrives. That is too dangerous and honestly, you can't be in your right mind to do that again.

Today, I spent most of the day designing a dress for me for my niece's wedding in April. But, I don't know how to make patterns to sew, so I am left either teach myself, or knitting or crocheting the whole thing and that doesn't appeal to me either. So now, I am sitting here wishing that I could make things just appear - or disappear. I have found the perfect thread and fingering yarn - its perfect because its in the right color, NOT because of anything else!- but not the fabric. I do want to incorporate knit and crochet into the dress, but I don't want to make the whole thing... though honestly, that would be lots of fun! Can you believe that I couldn't even find a sewing pattern to alter to make my dress? Unless I do too much cutting and pasting. I can't wait to start my classes. To bad I'll only be a month into those classes by the time the wedding comes around :(
Oh well, this is fun too.

About Me

Basics

Name: Zoraida
Birthplace: Tucson,AZ
Current Location: Tucson,AZ
Heritage: Mexican/Peruvian- though I don't know much 
about each culture
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brown
Hair Length: mid back
Height: on my right leg I'm 5'2" on my left leg I'm 5'3"-so when my hubby asks I'm 5'3" and taller than him!
Weight: not what I wish it was
Figure:not what I wish it was
Righty or Lefty: Both
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
Introvert or extrovert:Introvert
Meyers-Briggs Personality type:very expressed introvert
Style:vintage
Clothing:casual vintage-y
Hair:short layers and wavy
Music:anything except hard rock
Makeup: light and breezy and only when I have time!
Body Art:none but I love henna!
Car: volvo stationwagon that's almost celebrating its quinceanera.
Decor: none, but I am working on that!


Right Now
Current mood: bored
Current music: reggeton-hey, I'm 22 and Latina
Current taste:Chinese
Current hair: wavy brown stright when I have time
Current clothes: casual semi vintage style but definately new
Current annoyance: Daniel throwing a tantrum when he knows he 
won't get anywhere because he hasn't ever. Sweeping and moping just 
to have someone -no names- spill juice,soda, cereal,salt
Current smell: musky vanilla
Current longing: to get better
Current desktop picture: there is supposed to be a flower, but after a
fewminutes of being turned on the screen turns grey. Help!
Current fingernail color: none, I can't wait for the stuff to dry, there is too much crocheting and knitting to do
Current likes: anything & everything creative and DIY
Current dislikes:  I don't know-mi mama
Current favorite article of clothing: my nursing tanks-so comfy!
Current favorite place to be: in bed!
Current time you wake up in the morning: 7-ish or when my cubs yell
Current favorite word: Y?(and?) tough!

What are you...
Thinking of: getting back to my crafts
Feeling: tired
Remembering:my childhood
Doing:Typing!Knitting! Crocheting!Quilling! Sewing!
Planning: Graduate from Design school!

What were you doing
1 hour ago: cuddling my sick cubs
1 day ago: getting medicine for my boy
1 week ago: making my grocery list
1 month ago: getting ready for X-mas
1 year ago: getting ready for my girl
5 years ago: trying to finish my freshman year after mi mama kept me
home from Nov. to March. 
10 years ago: trying to learn pre algebra in 6th grade


Your favorite
Music: Reggeton
Cartoon: Disney's Beauty and the Beast; The Lion King;Cars
Font:Metro
Color: green
Song: Como Se Cura Una Herida sung by Jacqui Velasquez
Flavor:chocolate mint
Scent:vanilla
Magazine: ReadyMade;Crochet!;Blueprint;Domino
TV Show:M*A*S*H; Charmed; Law & Order; 
Book: not good with titles
Movie:not good with titles
Language: Spanish
Food:Barbacoa en la tierra de Guanajauato
Beverage: Chai hot
Fruit: strawberry
Vegetable: broccoli
Season: spring because its not so hot, but summer 'cause that's when
my cubs were born
Subject in School: writting and science
Weekend Activity: walking at the mall with my hubby and cubs
Ice Cream Flavor:mint & chocolate chip
Pizza toppings: xtra cheese and pineapple

Preferences
Cola or Other: Cola
Coke or Pepsi:Pepsi
Fried, Scrambled, or Poached: scrambled, but they have to be catch free - or I get sick
Pancakes or Waffles: waffles, they catch the syrup better
Dogs or Cats:both
Coffee or Tea: both
Iced or Hot:hot coffee iced tea
Looking out the window or into the room: into the room
One Pillow or Two: one body pillow
Chocolate or Vanilla:Chocolate
High Achiever or Easy-Going:High Achiever
Single or Taken:married 3 & half years
Pen or Pencil:I prefer pen, but you can only read my writting when I 
use a pencil
Gloves or Mittens:none
Planned or Spontaneous:planned
Food or Candy:candy
Matches or a Lighter:none
Typed or Handwritten:handwritten
Walk or Run: walk
Elevator or Stairs: stairs
Walk or Drive:drive
Facing into the restaurant or away from the other people: facing into the restaurant, I like to people watch
Eating alone, with one friend, or with lots of friends:one or with Dani
Home or "Out":home
Alone, with one friend, or with a group? Cubs!

Who Would You Like To...
Hear From: My long lost big brother Alexis Gonzalez
Never Hear From Again:Rosa and Angelica Miranda-my sisters in law & mi mama
Look Like: me
Be Like: Antonia Miranda- my sister in law
Meet: Don Omar
Get to Know: Petra Miranda-my mother in law
Learn from / Study With: Petra Miranda
Impress: my dad
Teach: my cubs

Do you...?
Have any tattoos (where?): no
Have any piercings (where?): ears 1 in each
Have any scars:  tons!
Get along with your parents?:  who does?
Get motion sickness: no
Think you're a health nut: I'm half way to being a health nut
Type with your fingers on the right keys:yes, it was mandatory in jr. 
high
Play an instrument: used to play the violin and would like to again
Play an instrument well: no
Sleep with a stuffed animals: does hubby count?
Have a significant other: does hubby count?
Have a dream that keeps coming back: nightmares
Believe there is life on other planets: yes
Read the newspaper: not any more-too depressing
Read the comics: no
Read the sports pages:no
Check the weather forecast: sometimes-when we go to work
Go to restaurants alone: sure, why not!?
Consider yourself tolerant of others: no
Like the taste of alcohol: I thought you used the stuff to disinfect?
Drink: water;soda;tea;coffee
Smoke: no
Swear: in English but not in Spanish
Sing:sure
Sing in public:NO
Sing in the shower:yes
Laugh: of course!
Joke: Do I?
Read: Couldn't answer this if I didn't
Exercise: Does chasing a 2 yo count?
Diet: Tried, but I like to eat
Cook: Tried, but I like to eat
Believe in astrology: yes
Read your horoscope: no
Believe in magic:yes
Believe in miracles:yes
Go to church:no
Have any secrets:yes
Have any pets: does hubby count?
Have any children:yes,2
Have any brothers or sisters:yes,4
Work:yes
Have a college degree (or go to or plan to go to college):yes
Chat to strangers who instant message you:no
Talk to strangers on the bus:no
Wear hats:no
Like yourself:I'm getting there
Wish on stars: Yes
Like your handwriting: Yes
Trust others easily:no
Like puns:Yes
Have a good sense of humor:Yes
Take walks in the rain:Yes

Do you prefer
Traveling: yes, depending on my mood
Staying home:yes, depending on my mood
Going out:yes, depending on my mood
Cooking:yes, depending on my mood
Eating out:yes, depending on my mood
Entertaining at home:yes, depending on my mood
Large parties:no
Small parties where you know everyone:yes, depending on my mood
Quiet evenings with a few friends:yes, depending on my mood
Being alone:yes, depending on my mood

Leisure Time: Do you like to...
Read:yes
Go out, anywhere!:yes
Go dancing:yes
See a show:yes
Rent a video:yes
Listen to music:yes
Go for a walk:yes
Watch television:yes
Surf the web:yes
Chat with friends online:yes
Meet people for coffee and conversation:yes
Go to a party:no
Stay home:yes
 
Sports and recreation: Do you...
Jog:no
Run:no
Walk:no
Ski:no
Swim:yes
Play on a team:no
Play "pickup" games:no
Bowl:no
Work Out: no

Creative outlets: Do you...
Paint or draw: yes
Sculpt, do pottery, mold clay...:no
Build scale models:no
Collect... (what?):crochet hooks and yarn and anything craft 
related, eventuallt I use it.
Write (what?):yes
Compose music:no
Choreograph dances:no
Dance:yes
Develop software:
Meditate:no
Daydream:yes

Have you ever...?
Eaten an entire box of Oreos:yes
Thought about eating an entire box of Oreos:yes
Baked a cake:yes
Cooked Thanksgiving Dinner for a group:yes
Eaten sushi:never
Been on stage:yes
Gone skating:yes
Made homemade cookies:yes
Gone skinny dipping:never
Dyed your hair:never
Broken a bone:yes
Been hospitalized overnight:yes
Had your name appear in the newspaper:yes
Published a story, poem, novel...:yes
Played a game that required removal of clothing:never
Gotten drunk or extremely intoxicated:never
Been arrested:no
Changed your name:when I married
Changed your "look":  I am working on that
Changed who you were to fit in:yes
Traveled outside the country:yes

Memories - The Past
Last Thing You Bought: medicine and a thermometer-last night
Last Interesting Thing You Did: made three purses
Last Interesting Thing You Heard: that men shouldn't change girls' diapers
Last Interesting Thing You Said:
Last Interesting Thing You Saw: a tummy tuck
Last Thing You Touched:the keyboard
Last Thing You Had To Eat: chocolate
Last Thing You Had To Drink: a pepsi
Last Thing You Watched On Tv:Chavo del 8
Last Book You Read: A book about a girl who grew up with an abusive mother-I'm not good with titles
Last Music You Listened To:my hubby's
Last Movie You Saw:Something on LMN
Last Movie You Saw On The Big Screen: Cars
Last Person You Called On The Phone:Dani
Last Person You Talked To Online:my ITE3 exchange partner
Last Person You Emailed: my niece
Last Time You Cried:two days ago
Last Time You Smiled:when I sent Daniel to the corner & he asked why(first time he asks) and I said 'cause you sat on your sister-abou ten munites ago
Last Time You Laughed: still laughing
Last Person You Hugged: Iva
Last Person You Kissed:Iva

The Future
Where do you see yourself in five years? Designing clothes and wathcing my cubs grow up
Describe your Dream Career:  Designing clothes and making them myself with hand crocheted and knit elements
What do you want to be when you grow up? Me
What country would you most like to visit?Peru and Spain
Where are you going to live?  In Peru or Spain

Miscellany
How many rings until you answer the phone?  two or three
What's on your mouse pad?its black
Do you like thunderstorms? yes
Do you like snow? yes!
How many houses have you lived in?3, one motel room and three 
trailers
How many schools have you gone to?6
Do you like to drive?sometimes
What color is your bedroom carpet?green and cream-yuk!
If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take one thing (not person) with you what would you take?  a knife so that I can make a hook and needles and a drop spindle and so I can eat
What was the best time of your life so far?the past 3 years

What is...
The last thought you go to sleep with: that I am safe & so are my cubs
Your first waking thoughts: my cubs
The first feature you notice in someone you just met:their face-to see if they are kind and trust worthy
Your best physical feature:my hair
Your greatest fear:being like mi mama
Your biggest weakness: my cubs and chocolate
Your strongest attribute: I am stubborn
Your greatest accomplishment:my cubs
Your most cherished memory: the first time I held Iva and Daniel at the same time

Moods
I Hurt:most of the time
I Love:all the time
I Hate: some of the time
I Fear:most of the time
I Hope:all the time
I Feel:most of the time
I Listen:some of the time
I Hide:most of the time
I Drive:all the time
I Play:some of the time
I Miss:most of the time
I Learn:all the time
I Know:all the time
I Wait:all the time
I Need:all the time
I Want:all the time

Hi!

Okay, I am back. Last Monday I went to my first group meeting for PTSD
that's how they abreviate what I was diagnosed with. It was about asking
for help.I realized that one of the main reasons if not the main reason
why I have trouble asking for help is because I have PTSD. Kind of makes sense one thing would be linked with the other. Anyway, they talked about building a community and that was my commitment for this
week.
So, my community consists of:
Dani,
my dad
David
Cuby
and that's it. There is no one else to add to this list. Which is sad and pathetic, a 22 year old has a community of four men, no wonder I felt so lost both times I was pregnant. I mean, I had more than enough people to go for a gallon of chocholate Dryers ice cream or an Eegees or even a Jamba Juice, but no one who understood what was really going on.
In order to build my community I have to meet people. And in order to meet people, I have to be me. And in order to be me I have to speak up, so when on my crochet group someone asked for ways to make money, I emailed her and suggested a charm bracelet whose charms can be taken off to be used as stitch markers.  She liked it. So did I.

On another note, I want to thank you for reading these ramblings and making such nice comments. They really help when I am down. And they did say that you feel worse before you feel better, so I guess I am getting better!haha
I've been bored lately so I tackled cabels in knitting and made two purses with those, just combined the cables with posts and they turned out cute. Now if I could only figure out how to do a cable in crochet. 
I've also been playing around with quilling and drawing. And writing, my other big passion other than being creative.

Today a friend was kindly given a free trip back to his home country by our wonderful govenment. I will miss him dearly, and so will his two year old girl. Saul, God be with you. I'll watch over Stephanie for you. I will post pictures of her sometimes so that you can see her grow.

 

Excited!

So, I went to bed early (any one that know me should know that I don't
go to sleep early) because I couldn't keep my eyes open. that was 
around 8:30. Now I can't fall back asleep. Flashbacks.
My whole life she told me how I'd never amount to anything. She'd tell me that I was good for nothing. She'd tell me that I was an ingrate. She took care of me all that time, took me to the drs and to those appts and tests and that all that I put her through making her worry and her not knowing if I'd survive. Her with her sleepless nights. She'd tell me that being creative was a waste of time and money. She wouldn't let me use the material that I'd buy with the coins that I saved. She would tear me down and never let me think that I was good enough. An A wasn't good enough. When I knew the answers, she'd tell me that I was an i
rrespectful little ingrate and that I thougt that I was better than 
everyone because I knew it all.  She made me feel worthless and after 18 years of hearing it at all hours of the day (her bed time is 2 am ... if she can shut up) I believed her. I had no other choice. She knew how to manipulate me. She'd tear me down and then say something like "It's my cross to bear. At some point I did something wrong in this life and so God gave me you, to take care of. Sick, ungrateful you. But that
s okay becase even though no one will ever want you I'll always be here for you." and she'd follow that with a hug. Her few hugs at just the right moments. I wasn't allowed to get close to anyone. I was only allowed to talk and be with her. She's intentionally and behind my back sabotage any and every 
relationship I'd creat-teachers, friends, counselors, doctors. She'd be on
the phone making up lies, and I realized it the next time I saw them 
and they treated me differently. People would keep me away from me.
I was contagious. And she was the illness. Always...
So, now after 4 years, I am told that I would be an asset to the Design School and that I am creative, by people that are not my DH or my dad, or my friends ( all 3 of them!) I was told by the head of the finance dept. that I was an inspiration to him ( well, technically he said that my hubby and I were) but it felt nice. I was surprised! I was overwelmed and I was ... how do I say this, I belived them. I belived them the first time they said it. I didn't need to be convinced. I... I don't know how, but I have come a long way.
Dios mio will the memories never end? Will I ever be able to forget?
 

News and Goals

So, for the news, I got into Fashion Design School! Yes! I will be starting in March and will incure
a debt of more or less $15,000. That is the price of an associates degree. I will be starting with 
16 credits and I do qualify for a FAFSA grant, for both semesters. This degree will take more or 
less 18 months.

Now, for the goals.
1) finish Daniel and Iva's bedroom - I spent Dec. remodeling and painting and designing my kids 
bedroom. Now, I am waiting for the cloth I ordered to arrive and I can do the curtains and I will 
pick up some decorating accessories the next time I am at the outdoor mall. Actually the only 
thing left will be bed clothes for each. Daniel needs sheets for a twin and Iva needs sheets for the
crib that are not blue or green. And some more storage would be nice!
 
2) Do our bedroom, I am still dreaming, so that will take a while.

3) I'd like to sell more of my own creations

4)School

5)pay off debt

6) get over my post traumatic stress disorder. That is what I was diagnosed with. I am working 
on getting through this diagnosis if not over it. 

7) get a firm diagnosis for everything else! Its easier to deal with something when it has a name.

8) take Iva to gym class

9) be a size 8.

10) enroll Daniel in day school.

These goals are not in order. They just are. 

oh, and finish my crochet and knit projects before I start any new ones- so far not doing so well 
there. I started a hat and haven't finished anything yet! and its what? the eleventh! 
Gotta get back to those projects! Oh, I am 45-ish inches into a 60 inch red scarf for the 
Red Scarf projet. Gotta... get... it... done! 

Update

 Lord, I don't know where the time went! Last I remember I was celebrating my hubby's 24th bday on the 17th and then I was recording Daniel open xmas presents! He got clothes. So did Dani. That's what they needed! I am still working on their bedroom, my kids. That is what Daniel really wants. Dani gave me the Dremel XPR and a wireless router. The router is for him. He'll be getting a laptop in a few months, but he wrapped it up for me. Nice! I wanted some yarn or other craft supplies, but he says he thought that those were everyday presents. I gave my dad a vest and today he came over with some yarn that honestly feels more like twine to make himself a vest. Only, he didn't want to crochet it, he wants to knit it. So, he left it here and I'm going to work on it little by little until its done. In between everything else. So, tomorrow, if I can update some pics, I'll have some for showing off.

Confused

Okay, I know I've been offline. Mostly, I've been crocheting and knitting. I 
finished the scarf and am almost done with a vest. I am currently working on 
another and  a shrug. But that is not what has me confused. i a m confused 
because mi mama has been acting differently. I don't know if its for real or not.
I just know that she is acting like a normal mom. She's taken me shopping twice,
once was just for Iva. But either way, she is so...I don't want to say normal because
normal doesn't exist, so I guess the word is common. She's been diecent with my
dad and Dani.
Oh, yesterday was his bday and he almost got bitten by a dog, instead he just got
 chased up and  down the block! I got him a sewater and some chocolates. 
I don't know what to think about the way she's been acting.
I got part of my kids' bedroom painted yesterday. Trouble is that my hubby and I are still living there. We are giving them the bigger room because its the only one that will hold a bed, a crib, a changing table, and all those toys.
Someday I will understand what is going on. I wish I could say that she has finally gotten medical help.
P.S. SPThanks for the comments about my kids!

Pics!

This is a pic of my scarf. I'm not done yet. There is one more block and then the pattern will repeat.
 The lace block was the hardest, but mostly because I can't remember what row I'm on, which is also why I don't follow patterns. Which leads me to look for resources to create my own garments and other items. Some say I may have slight dislexia, others say I have to actually concentrate. Luckilly, my short term memory is great when it comes to sequences.

This is my dd's dress on top of the scarf. I know, the holes magically moved to the side, but there will be a flower in between the diamonds and plus this is the back not to mention, I can't keep track of my row (which is why I gave up on cross stitching! LOL)
 This is Iva in a dolls high chair. I know, I'm mean. In my baby album there is a pic of me in a doll crib. So I  figure, this would be cute!
 This is my dad. Now tell me that my kids don't look like him!
 Here is Daniel, with his thumb in his mouth. Someday that habit will be gone!
Not all, but the rest are in the bedroom and Dani is asleep. So they will have to wait to be photographed.
Back to work, and boy do I have a long way to go!

Okay, I know I've been away, but I have a good excuse! I've been
knitting and crocheting and desinging my bedroom and my kids room, 
plus I've been thinking about remodeling the kitchen.
Busy Busy!
I also have to catch up on bills!
Oh boy!
We are going to give my babies the bigger bedroom so that I can keep
them and their toys in there without having them spill into the living
room. But that means painting the room first, then moving around all 
the furniture. So, I have to first, but the paint and supplies and then 
prep the room. I'd like to have all this done by Janurary. See, I have 
this rule. Baby out of our bedroom by 6 months. See, having a baby is 
enough strain on one person, be that mom or dad,  but it is even more 
straining on our marraige. So, since baby is out of our room by then, the
n we can spend a few moments talking about us before falling asleep. 
Iva will be 6 months old in Janurary. So that means by Feburary 
everything will be done. But that also means that I have to find 
somewhere to store our stuff my craft stuff- by then too. I will probably 
be storing it in bookshelves under the bed. I also want to make some 
stairs that have storage in them for climbing up on the bed. Then 
possible wall storage.
About my crafting, I finished the poncho and tiny bag both knit for my 
niece she's 1. I am 13 of the way done with my son's tunisian crochet 
blanket.It's the first time I've used different colors to make a picture! 
So far so good. My hubby's blazer is on hold. I borrowed the hook to 
make something else and now I can't find it Don't tell him that! I 
want to start my son's vest, but I'm not sure if I should make it 26 or 28
inches around. See, he's somewhere between 24 and 25 inches right 
now. I can't be exact because he won't sit still. Anyway, I think I'll go 
for 28 inches. I am making a gague swatch for a dress for my DD. And I
put on hold my make as you go wrist warmers just because I've got too 
much going on right now.  So I'm getting back to work, I'll post pics 
soon.
P.S. Mi mama  took my kids for a walk at the swap meet with out my permission and I went nuts walked the whole place in record time I'm sure! And when I finally found her I asked her to never do that to me again. She got so pissed off! She took it out on my dad and he left. He left her alone for a week. From Fri. to Fri. Last night I went over there to ask her for my dad's eye drops - see, he is developing glaucoma and artheritis. And she came over and asked my dad a few times to go over to her house to spend the night. Then -for the first time in her life- she asked him for forgiveness! And he accepted. So I guess people can change - if given the right medicine. 

Homework's Done

 I stayed up until 3 am to finish my 8 inches of knit from my homework. I am hooked! and here is a pic of my new Brittany needles with some yarn from my stash making the first block of my scarf! Just knowing that there was a professional there watching me knit gave me the confidence to fly through the rows. I love this. My DH was right, I am good at all this yarn stuff. I can't wait to start working on my daughters sweater's and my son's and oh boy, I need more hours and more hands. That's what I want for X-mas more hands...and yarn...and ...TIME! Today, I went to Target to get diapers and while I was there I found some Barbie shoe charms for $.74. There were six to a pack and they are perfect stitch markers. Plus, you can't beat the price!
Last Monday, I called my sister in Peru. We talked for an hour and a half! First, I can't believe I reached out. Twice, once to Lulu and before to Elvira. And second that we talked for so long!  I also made myself one wrist warmer. The other is on hold as is the blazer, the afghan, the other afghan, the vest, the other afghan, the skirt, the purse, the tote, and anything else I can't remember right now.
Back to knitting.....

Knitting Class

 So, in a little over an hour I am going to a knitting class. I was supposed to go with my sister-in-law, she was excited on thursday and yesterday, but an hour ago I called her and she said that it was too late to take the class... which kind of sucks because I'd already worked everything out with her hubby. I was hoping to start a relationship, but I won't waste my time on her. I find someone else who want's to be friends with me. Anyho, I'm using the needles my Secret Pal gave me and some scrap yarn to go to class, that way if it gets messed up...it will get messed up... it won't hurt so much.  I am excited but a little apprehensive, no matter what I try I can't get the purl stich. Holding the yarn in front doesn't make sense.